Nicotine Cold Turkey

They say bad things come in threes. Well so does quitting cigarettes cold turkey, for me anyway. 3 days, 3 weeks, and 3 months. If you can get past these hurdles then you're well on your way to quitting smoking. Mind you I've done them all before and a couple of years later when you're least expecting it you'll be drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country with people you can't understand and it'll seem like a totally sensible thing to take up smoking again. Being an addict is sooo much fun!

So if you're any type of real smoker, not just the alcohol-fuelled-waste-a-ma

tes- smoke-by-awkwardly-bum-sucking-it-while-thinking-you-look-terribly-sophisticated type of smoker, then the first three days of quitting cigs are going to be a whole world of 'fucked up'.

So here's what you do... oh no, this isn't 'help you quit' tutorial this is a 'conciliatory pat on the back, oh you poor bastard don't put yourself through those three days unless you really want to succeed at not smoking' sort of thing... So here's what you do...

Don't plan a day to quit smoking, screw that, that's seriously way too much pressure, those first 3 days are bad enough without adding days of anticipation to them. Just know you're about too quit and buy your smokes one pack at a time, don't buy another pack until the last one is finished (smoking your last cigarette on the way to get another pack is totally allowed). If you smoke the last of a pack just before you're going to bed for the night, congratulations, you've won the crappiest lottery of all, tomorrow you're giving up cigarettes. Hey, that's what you wanted right?

Now, for the first three days you can expect to spend about 40mins of every hour feeling shit, but at least it's an infinitely variable and often indescribable type of shit. Everything from body aches to complete mental distraction. If you really want to avoid these feelings there's pretty much only three ways to stop them; The easiest, smoke a cigarette; no? Sleep!; You have to be awake? Try shooting yourself in the face with a hand gun. That's about it. Otherwise you'll just have to get used to feeling like crap.

The only other thing to do is eat lollies and/or citrus fruits. For me it's little pink musk lollies or Dutch salted liquorice, distinctive strong flavours. But remember they're not cigarettes, they wont stop you feeling like crap, and you'll look completely gay while shovelling pink sweets into your mouth while feeling sick from all the sugar. But at least it's a distraction. Talking of distraction, limit your social interaction. You'll be no good to anyone. Especially with all your inane stupid comments about how much you really want a smoke. Really, shut up and stay home. And get Drunk!

Oh yes, you absolutely must do this for the first three days. No excuses. The moment you get home in the evening crack open a beer, pour a wine, a snifter of port, or a shot of whatever. Nine hundred and ninety nine times out of a thousand the moment you start drinking you'll have a cigarette. Why put yourself though three days of agony if you're just going to fuck it up with the first beer. No. If you really want to give up cigarettes, you must absolutely do it drunk. If you can't do it drunk you'll be back to smoking in a matter of weeks.

So that's it. 'Enjoy' your first three days nicotine free. After that, you'll be much more 'with it', you may even be presentable in public, and you'll only feel like crap for about 5 minutes out of every hour when you get a craving. They're pretty easy to distract yourself from, have another pink lolly ya gaywad!

That'll last for about 3 weeks. The 3rd week's the killer, there's nothing quite like the low but ever present pain of nicotine being ripped out of your muscle mass by an addicted body, but then you'll be nicotine free. Then you've only got about 3 months of psychological cravings... little events that trigger a craving. Like eating a meal. Most people have a smoke after a meal and for three months you'll probably feel like one after every meal. It's psychological! As in, it's something your brain invented based on your actions and it doesn't really exist except in your head. Really, who wants to give in to a craving that doesn't really exist? If you're that type of person you may as well have shot yourself in the face during the first three days.

After that, you'll actually be a reformed smoker. And then all you've really got to worry about is drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country.