1/04/2008

Nicotine Cold Turkey

They say bad things come in threes. Well so does quitting cigarettes cold turkey, for me anyway. 3 days, 3 weeks, and 3 months. If you can get past these hurdles then you're well on your way to quitting smoking. Mind you I've done them all before and a couple of years later when you're least expecting it you'll be drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country with people you can't understand and it'll seem like a totally sensible thing to take up smoking again. Being an addict is sooo much fun!

So if you're any type of real smoker, not just the alcohol-fuelled-waste-a-ma
tes- smoke-by-awkwardly-bum-sucking-it-while-thinking-you-look-terribly-sophisticated type of smoker, then the first three days of quitting cigs are going to be a whole world of 'fucked up'.

So here's what you do... oh no, this isn't 'help you quit' tutorial this is a 'conciliatory pat on the back, oh you poor bastard don't put yourself through those three days unless you really want to succeed at not smoking' sort of thing... So here's what you do...

Don't plan a day to quit smoking, screw that, that's seriously way too much pressure, those first 3 days are bad enough without adding days of anticipation to them. Just know you're about too quit and buy your smokes one pack at a time, don't buy another pack until the last one is finished (smoking your last cigarette on the way to get another pack is totally allowed). If you smoke the last of a pack just before you're going to bed for the night, congratulations, you've won the crappiest lottery of all, tomorrow you're giving up cigarettes. Hey, that's what you wanted right?

Now, for the first three days you can expect to spend about 40mins of every hour feeling shit, but at least it's an infinitely variable and often indescribable type of shit. Everything from body aches to complete mental distraction. If you really want to avoid these feelings there's pretty much only three ways to stop them; The easiest, smoke a cigarette; no? Sleep!; You have to be awake? Try shooting yourself in the face with a hand gun. That's about it. Otherwise you'll just have to get used to feeling like crap.

The only other thing to do is eat lollies and/or citrus fruits. For me it's little pink musk lollies or Dutch salted liquorice, distinctive strong flavours. But remember they're not cigarettes, they wont stop you feeling like crap, and you'll look completely gay while shovelling pink sweets into your mouth while feeling sick from all the sugar. But at least it's a distraction. Talking of distraction, limit your social interaction. You'll be no good to anyone. Especially with all your inane stupid comments about how much you really want a smoke. Really, shut up and stay home. And get Drunk!

Oh yes, you absolutely must do this for the first three days. No excuses. The moment you get home in the evening crack open a beer, pour a wine, a snifter of port, or a shot of whatever. Nine hundred and ninety nine times out of a thousand the moment you start drinking you'll have a cigarette. Why put yourself though three days of agony if you're just going to fuck it up with the first beer. No. If you really want to give up cigarettes, you must absolutely do it drunk. If you can't do it drunk you'll be back to smoking in a matter of weeks.

So that's it. 'Enjoy' your first three days nicotine free. After that, you'll be much more 'with it', you may even be presentable in public, and you'll only feel like crap for about 5 minutes out of every hour when you get a craving. They're pretty easy to distract yourself from, have another pink lolly ya gaywad!

That'll last for about 3 weeks. The 3rd week's the killer, there's nothing quite like the low but ever present pain of nicotine being ripped out of your muscle mass by an addicted body, but then you'll be nicotine free. Then you've only got about 3 months of psychological cravings... little events that trigger a craving. Like eating a meal. Most people have a smoke after a meal and for three months you'll probably feel like one after every meal. It's psychological! As in, it's something your brain invented based on your actions and it doesn't really exist except in your head. Really, who wants to give in to a craving that doesn't really exist? If you're that type of person you may as well have shot yourself in the face during the first three days.

After that, you'll actually be a reformed smoker. And then all you've really got to worry about is drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country.

Take: 22

Blogger handmaiden mused...

You have the whole quiting smoking thing down pat, don't you?

I quit 15 years ago. it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The first 3 days IS hell. When i finally kicked the habit, the thing that kept me on the right track was looking back on those 3 days & I knew I'd just have to do it over & over...it wasn't worth it, that was the catalyst that helped me quit.

Fri Jan 04, 03:57:00 pm

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

Yeah, I've done it once or twice. You don't forget the process (even after 15 years it would appear). I used to smoke a year and then have a year off to get healthy again... pretty stupid really but I'm one of those rare individuals who has always absolutely loved the smell and taste of cigarettes. Even as a three year old I remember enjoying the smell of them.

Unfortunately you don't get a tumour and continue to have a desire to smoke.

Damnit, when are the going to make carcinogen free cigarettes!

Fri Jan 04, 04:42:00 pm

 
Blogger Gnat of Glass mused...

I always thought that was pot.

I kidd I kidd....



Gnat.
.


HNY!

Sat Jan 05, 06:34:00 am

 
Blogger JLee mused...

My dad smoked for 50 years and quit after one session of hypnosis. He has not had one craving since and that was 2 or 3 years ago.

Sat Jan 05, 10:33:00 am

 
Blogger Squid Vicious mused...

I am convinced that my mother will only stop smoking after she's been cremated.
I was a smoker for 12 years. I was up to 2 or 3 lighters a day. I was getting out of breath from the physical act of lighting the damn, delicious, tingling, nicotine syringe...
But I digress, quitting smoking is the easiest fucking thing in the world. It's the not starting thing that is a bitch. Good luck!

Sun Jan 06, 05:53:00 pm

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

Now you're just being silly Gnat. Everyone knows that I meant opium! Chase the dragon Gnat, chase the dragon...

Mon Jan 07, 10:14:00 am

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

That's fairly impressive, my brother had hypnosis for smoking. Didn't work at all. My guess is that your dad probably really wanted to quit.

I was hypnotised once... I thought I was Satan for several months!

Mon Jan 07, 10:17:00 am

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

Squid, if cigarettes didn't kill people I'd give up after cremation too.

Ha, yeah good point, I used to give up over 20 times a day. I'd take it back up again just in time for the next one though.

Nah, don't need luck. I'm an obstinate bastard :)

Mon Jan 07, 10:21:00 am

 
Blogger Squid Vicious mused...

No argument here :)

Mon Jan 07, 11:45:00 am

 
Blogger PFE Music mused...

It is ALL in your head, everything from craving cigarettes to thinking you should quit, so it's YOUR brain, it's YOUR head (at least for the moment) smoking is weak, quitting is for babies, ha ha, take yer pick! :)

*pure Ticharu advice*

Wed Jan 09, 08:18:00 am

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

Well, Squid, let's not start one then...

Wed Jan 09, 09:03:00 am

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

Ah... wise Ticharu! You are completely correct, except that quitting is not for babies. It's for people with Tumours!

Wed Jan 09, 09:06:00 am

 
Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

I'm not nor have I ever been a smoker. So to make your advice applicable to me I did the following (and you should, too):

Copy your entire "Nicotine Cold Turkey" post into a text editor (like wordpad or notepad).

Using searh-and-replace, substitute each of these words thusly:
cigarettes = masturbating
smoking = wanking
smoker = tosser
smoke = masturbate
pack = dirty, filthy magazine
a cigarette = an orgasm
nicotene = dopamine

Now I have some advice I can use!

Thu Jan 10, 08:19:00 am

 
Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

Oh, and its important you perform the search and replace operations in the order listed.

Thu Jan 10, 08:20:00 am

 
Blogger Wendy mused...

"If you smoke the last of a pack just before you're going to bed for the night, congratulations, you've won the crappiest lottery of all, tomorrow you're giving up cigarettes. Hey, that's what you wanted right?"

hahaha! First good laugh in a week. Thanks. I never was a smoker but I was with Squid when he quit and that was hell man. His quitting made me want to start smoking.

You'll do it. You have to WANT it! Go team!

~okay, maybe I have had too many Vicodin and you know what? I ain't quitting them~

edit:unless I can score morphine "lollies" like Britney Spears...can you imagine?

Thu Jan 10, 11:12:00 am

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

They say bad things come in threes. Well so does quitting masturbating cold turkey, for me anyway. 3 days, 3 weeks, and 3 months. If you can get past these hurdles then you're well on your way to quitting wanking. Mind you I've done them all before and a couple of years later when you're least expecting it you'll be drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country with people you can't understand and it'll seem like a totally sensible thing to take up wanking again. Being an addict is sooo much fun!

So if you're any type of real tosser, not just the alcohol-fuelled-waste-a-ma
tes- hard-cock-by-awkwardly-bum-sucking-it-while-thinking-you-look-terribly-sophisticated type of tosser, then the first three days of quitting your strong right hand are going to be a whole world of 'fucked up'.

So here's what you do... oh no, this isn't 'help you quit' tutorial this is a 'conciliatory pat on the back, oh you poor bastard don't put yourself through those three days unless you really want to succeed at not wanking' sort of thing... So here's what you do...

Don't plan a day to quit wanking, screw that, that's seriously way too much pressure, those first 3 days are bad enough without adding days of anticipation to them. Just know you're about too quit and buy your dirty, filthy magazine one at a time, don't buy another dirty, filthy magazine until the last one is finished (wanking your last cock on the way to get another dirty, filthy magazine is totally allowed). If you masturbate the last of a dirty, filthy magazine just before you're going to bed for the night, congratulations, you've won the crappiest lottery of all, tomorrow you're giving up masturbating. Hey, that's what you wanted right?

Now, for the first three days you can expect to spend about 40mins of every hour feeling shit, but at least it's an infinitely variable and often indescribable type of shit. Everything from body aches to complete mental distraction. If you really want to avoid these feelings there's pretty much only three ways to stop them; The easiest, masturbate an orgasm; no? Sleep!; You have to be awake? Try shooting yourself in the face with a hand gun. That's about it. Otherwise you'll just have to get used to feeling like crap.

The only other thing to do is eat lollies and/or citrus fruits. For me it's little pink musk lollies or Dutch salted liquorice, distinctive strong flavours. But remember they're not masturbating, they wont stop you feeling like crap, and you'll look completely gay while shovelling pink sweets into your mouth while feeling sick from all the sugar. But at least it's a distraction. Talking of distraction, limit your social interaction. You'll be no good to anyone. Especially with all your inane stupid comments about how much you really want a wank. Really, shut up and stay home. And get Drunk!

Oh yes, you absolutely must do this for the first three days. No excuses. The moment you get home in the evening crack open a beer, pour a wine, a snifter of port, or a shot of whatever. Nine hundred and ninety nine times out of a thousand the moment you start drinking you'll have an orgasm. Why put yourself though three days of agony if you're just going to fuck it up with the first beer. No. If you really want to give up masturbating, you must absolutely do it drunk. If you can't do it drunk you'll be back to wanking in a matter of weeks.

So that's it. 'Enjoy' your first three days dopamine free. After that, you'll be much more 'with it', you may even be presentable in public, and you'll only feel like crap for about 5 minutes out of every hour when you get a craving. They're pretty easy to distract yourself from, have another pink lolly ya gaywad!

That'll last for about 3 weeks. The 3rd week's the killer, there's nothing quite like the low but ever present pain of dopamine being ripped out of your muscle mass by an addicted body, but then you'll be dopamine free. Then you've only got about 3 months of psychological cravings... little events that trigger a craving. Like eating a meal. Most people have a wank after a meal and for three months you'll probably feel like one after every meal. It's psychological! As in, it's something your brain invented based on your actions and it doesn't really exist except in your head. Really, who wants to give in to a craving that doesn't really exist? If you're that type of person you may as well have shot yourself in the face during the first three days.

After that, you'll actually be a reformed tosser. And then all you've really got to worry about is drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country.

Thu Jan 10, 02:21:00 pm

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

Strangely Wendy... I wasn't really having too many problems quitting. Then I looked at your avatar and now I feel like a smoke. Not sure what that's about *shrugs*

Thu Jan 10, 02:22:00 pm

 
Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

Where'd the hard cock come from?
(and if you answer that it came from your pants, Rich, then I'll thank you for some photographic evidence pasted into your pastoral)

Thu Jan 10, 02:51:00 pm

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

I think it came from Wendy's avatar!

Thu Jan 10, 05:08:00 pm

 
Blogger Wendy mused...

hahaha! awwww, shucks. ;)

Sun Jan 13, 01:20:00 pm

 
Anonymous Anonymous mused...

I sort of want to make out with you now

Wed Jan 16, 03:35:00 pm

 
Blogger G3T Films mused...

Only 'sort of' aint getting you anywhere anonymous.

Fri Jan 18, 08:41:00 am

 

Post a Comment

<< Home