In honour of the date!

Seeing as it's apparently the day of the Anti-Christ, and for want of anything better to do, this is a post replicated from my good ol' friend Satan's site. I hope the supposed birth of his son mellows the dude out. And that his 'son' reigns for less time than Satan's blog was around. If you're not into swearing or one of the best drunk-and-did-something-stupid-stories, I urge you not to read it.

Satan - All laugh at the Dark Lord

I think I mentioned something about everyone needs a 'I got really drunk and…' story. So no pictures this week, settle in, and see how it’s done properly.

Yes, as a pre-requisite with these types of situations I was a little drunk. OK, I was fucked-in-half and torn-into-quarters drunk.

The evening started off well, nice place, nice people, (read: nice = boring) and the friend I was going to meet decided to not turn up and leave me with acquaintances. I decided to plonk myself next to the one other person who was attempting to teach his liver to swim. Ex-army green beret drinking copious amounts of beer with scotch chasers - 'possibly' a bad idea I hear you thinking, but his stories were humouresque and I thought I was up to the challenge - I WAS NOT.

The last thing I remembered from the bar was being called a pussy non shot drinker (he had a way with words), I believe my response was 'Grrhadjafundjahokey biatch' as I slipped into what I hoped would be a non-fatal coma. Now, outside of the rare isolated moments I've never been a real messy drunk and I've always managed to make it home or at least to a safe place to pass out. Did I let down this perfect track record? Nup, because the next thing I know I'm walking past the [If your not local you won’t know it] building. I don't know how this is possible! Pass out, then come to while walking unaided albeit crookedly down a city street.

I should have been thinking ‘How did I cross roads and not die?’ but, of course, I was drunk and the thought process was ‘Holy Crap, I am the Man, the Dogs Balls, Nobody is as good a Drunk as Me, I can pass out and still walk to the train station - Shit I am GOOD’. I turned onto X Street near Y Hall - 'Hell, I even knew were I am, I'm a certified God' – and not a foot in front of me were two mounted officers. 'I don't care - nothing, but no-thing, can touch me'. The officer whose way I was blocking said something like "Outta the way Mate". I thought 'I am the Dark Lord Satan, twenty feet tall with large clanging brass bells for testicles and you dumb-ass should recognise me for the deity I am'. While I tried to form this into words and the last rational (non-stupidly-drunk) part of my mind was screaming GET OUT OF THE WAY I made one tiny little mistake, it was but a minor error. I grabbed hold of the reins to steady myself - even a 20 foot tall god gets a little unsteady after 20 or so mixed beverages. He literally screamed at me 'Let go of the F'ing Bridle'. I tried to say Sorry, I tell you, I really tried, but I was half way through the word (and NOT letting go of the bridle) when I threw up on his horse's head. YES. I threw up on a horse, a Fucking Police Horse – I think I'm going to Hell...

Nope, but it starts with a H, that's right, Hospital. The cop pulled back on the reins and the horse tossed his head and the big 'ol bastard head-butted me. If for some reason you've never been head-butted by a horse, let me tell you it damn well hurts. But being head-butted by a horse that is covered in your own vomit, that’s just plain humiliating. No, I am not a God.

Well, I let go of the bridle and fell to the ground like a sack of shit and I think 'That does not happen!' while trying to wipe vomit and blood out of my eyes (blood was from large protuberance now on my forehead). Meanwhile, the second cop has dismounted and tries to get me to my feet (I believe I was crying like a little girl, Sorrrryyyy, S-S-Sorrrryyyy; yep just plain humiliating, only pissing myself could have been worse).

And that's when I did the absolute worst thing I think I have ever done in my whole entire life, that last rational sober part of me was obviously knocked out of me by Mr Horsead-butt, I don’t know why but as the cop pulled me up to my feet, I licked that cop from the base of his neck to his forehead. Mmmmm... Drunk bloodied stinky bloke licks cop with furry vomit coated tongue. I'm about to be thrashed to within an inch of my life, right! Well apparently not. The cop just went blank, I mean Vietnam-Vet-thousand-yard-stare-blank. I broke his mind. He took a step backwards and let go of me. I've never seen anyone look so horrified in all my life - I remember it so clearly its a friggin photo and that's saying something considering the state I was in. So I did the only thing I could, Run like a bastard. I piss-bolted. I am Very Drunk and Bleeding into my eyes, I see an alley, perfect, 'They'll never catch me, Ba HA HA', unless its actually a recessed door way and I hit the plexi-glass door so damn hard I crack it down the middle. 1 inch Glass, mmmm...

I woke up in hospital and I had no idea why I was there or why I was handcuffed to the bed. Truly scary couple of minutes... and then I remember Throwing Up On That Damn Horse... SHIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! It all comes flooding back to me, Why the hell Did I lick that cop?!?! That's just not right! That is in fact, very, very wrong. I don't understand... maybe I have tourettes syndrome – Best to pretend I don't remember any of it.

Anyway, I said there was no photo – I lied…

10 interesting facts from what will now always be referred to as the Horse Incident:

1. If you've ever had a catheter inserted (so you don't piss all over the place while unconscious, drugged up and getting stitches) you have been punished enough, nothing that big should ever go in one's pee-hole.

2. A Police Horse is considered a Police Officer and throwing up on one is considered an assault. So is Licking a Police Officer (I'm so ashamed, so very, very confused and ashamed)

3. When being interviewed by the Police Officer don't say "What? So what do you want? You want me to come 'round your place and scrub your horse or something?'. It's not funny, and he will never ever find it so!

4. A Plexi-Glass door, 1.5m by 3m, costs $2390.00, including re-fitting, whilst Bail for emotionally scarring a Police Officer with your tongue only costs $1000.00. Is it just me or is there something wrong with that?

5. Your girlfriend will post your bail and won't think twice about forgiving you but she will never think it is funny and will certainly not feel sorry for you. Come-on, surely this is easily one of the top-ten funniest 'I got really drunk and did something outrageously stupid' stories in existence. But then again, maybe I'm a Shit Head.

6. Lawyers don't think 'I was playing keep up with a 6' 6" ex-green beret' is an adequate defence for assaulting 2 police officers, even if one is a horse. But lack of responsible service of alcohol from the place you were drinking is perfectly acceptable. Even though it WAS me drinking this ISN'T my fault. Welcome to the Modern Legal World.

7. Roughly 13 'Australian' Pints, 13 scotches and 1 absinthe (within 3 hours) leaves you with a .17 blood alcohol reading the Following Day when they receive consent to take blood. (remember .05 is the limit here - the previous nights police ordered reading was .34 ) Maybe I am a Deity - I never had my stomach pumped (I don't think) and apparently I should be dead.

8. When watching the video surveillance footage of the Horse Incident and your asked to confirm 'Is that you?' Don't, under any circumstances, respond with 'can I have a copy to send to Funniest Home Videos' and then tickle the officer under the chin and say 'Just joking'. OK, I never did that but I wanted to.

9. A Judge during a Bail Hearing can officially label you as Stupid in the court records. I am Officially Stupid forever more.

10. If you must get arrested - And you must at least once, it’s an interesting experience - Don't do it throwing up on a horse who is considered a police officer.

Well, hand me another beer, what did you do on the weekend?