6/06/2006

In honour of the date!

Seeing as it's apparently the day of the Anti-Christ, and for want of anything better to do, this is a post replicated from my good ol' friend Satan's site. I hope the supposed birth of his son mellows the dude out. And that his 'son' reigns for less time than Satan's blog was around. If you're not into swearing or one of the best drunk-and-did-something-stupid-stories, I urge you not to read it.

Satan - All laugh at the Dark Lord

I think I mentioned something about everyone needs a 'I got really drunk and…' story. So no pictures this week, settle in, and see how it’s done properly.

Yes, as a pre-requisite with these types of situations I was a little drunk. OK, I was fucked-in-half and torn-into-quarters drunk.

The evening started off well, nice place, nice people, (read: nice = boring) and the friend I was going to meet decided to not turn up and leave me with acquaintances. I decided to plonk myself next to the one other person who was attempting to teach his liver to swim. Ex-army green beret drinking copious amounts of beer with scotch chasers - 'possibly' a bad idea I hear you thinking, but his stories were humouresque and I thought I was up to the challenge - I WAS NOT.

The last thing I remembered from the bar was being called a pussy non shot drinker (he had a way with words), I believe my response was 'Grrhadjafundjahokey biatch' as I slipped into what I hoped would be a non-fatal coma. Now, outside of the rare isolated moments I've never been a real messy drunk and I've always managed to make it home or at least to a safe place to pass out. Did I let down this perfect track record? Nup, because the next thing I know I'm walking past the [If your not local you won’t know it] building. I don't know how this is possible! Pass out, then come to while walking unaided albeit crookedly down a city street.

I should have been thinking ‘How did I cross roads and not die?’ but, of course, I was drunk and the thought process was ‘Holy Crap, I am the Man, the Dogs Balls, Nobody is as good a Drunk as Me, I can pass out and still walk to the train station - Shit I am GOOD’. I turned onto X Street near Y Hall - 'Hell, I even knew were I am, I'm a certified God' – and not a foot in front of me were two mounted officers. 'I don't care - nothing, but no-thing, can touch me'. The officer whose way I was blocking said something like "Outta the way Mate". I thought 'I am the Dark Lord Satan, twenty feet tall with large clanging brass bells for testicles and you dumb-ass should recognise me for the deity I am'. While I tried to form this into words and the last rational (non-stupidly-drunk) part of my mind was screaming GET OUT OF THE WAY I made one tiny little mistake, it was but a minor error. I grabbed hold of the reins to steady myself - even a 20 foot tall god gets a little unsteady after 20 or so mixed beverages. He literally screamed at me 'Let go of the F'ing Bridle'. I tried to say Sorry, I tell you, I really tried, but I was half way through the word (and NOT letting go of the bridle) when I threw up on his horse's head. YES. I threw up on a horse, a Fucking Police Horse – I think I'm going to Hell...

Nope, but it starts with a H, that's right, Hospital. The cop pulled back on the reins and the horse tossed his head and the big 'ol bastard head-butted me. If for some reason you've never been head-butted by a horse, let me tell you it damn well hurts. But being head-butted by a horse that is covered in your own vomit, that’s just plain humiliating. No, I am not a God.

Well, I let go of the bridle and fell to the ground like a sack of shit and I think 'That does not happen!' while trying to wipe vomit and blood out of my eyes (blood was from large protuberance now on my forehead). Meanwhile, the second cop has dismounted and tries to get me to my feet (I believe I was crying like a little girl, Sorrrryyyy, S-S-Sorrrryyyy; yep just plain humiliating, only pissing myself could have been worse).

And that's when I did the absolute worst thing I think I have ever done in my whole entire life, that last rational sober part of me was obviously knocked out of me by Mr Horsead-butt, I don’t know why but as the cop pulled me up to my feet, I licked that cop from the base of his neck to his forehead. Mmmmm... Drunk bloodied stinky bloke licks cop with furry vomit coated tongue. I'm about to be thrashed to within an inch of my life, right! Well apparently not. The cop just went blank, I mean Vietnam-Vet-thousand-yard-stare-blank. I broke his mind. He took a step backwards and let go of me. I've never seen anyone look so horrified in all my life - I remember it so clearly its a friggin photo and that's saying something considering the state I was in. So I did the only thing I could, Run like a bastard. I piss-bolted. I am Very Drunk and Bleeding into my eyes, I see an alley, perfect, 'They'll never catch me, Ba HA HA', unless its actually a recessed door way and I hit the plexi-glass door so damn hard I crack it down the middle. 1 inch Glass, mmmm...

I woke up in hospital and I had no idea why I was there or why I was handcuffed to the bed. Truly scary couple of minutes... and then I remember Throwing Up On That Damn Horse... SHIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! It all comes flooding back to me, Why the hell Did I lick that cop?!?! That's just not right! That is in fact, very, very wrong. I don't understand... maybe I have tourettes syndrome – Best to pretend I don't remember any of it.

Anyway, I said there was no photo – I lied…



10 interesting facts from what will now always be referred to as the Horse Incident:

1. If you've ever had a catheter inserted (so you don't piss all over the place while unconscious, drugged up and getting stitches) you have been punished enough, nothing that big should ever go in one's pee-hole.

2. A Police Horse is considered a Police Officer and throwing up on one is considered an assault. So is Licking a Police Officer (I'm so ashamed, so very, very confused and ashamed)

3. When being interviewed by the Police Officer don't say "What? So what do you want? You want me to come 'round your place and scrub your horse or something?'. It's not funny, and he will never ever find it so!

4. A Plexi-Glass door, 1.5m by 3m, costs $2390.00, including re-fitting, whilst Bail for emotionally scarring a Police Officer with your tongue only costs $1000.00. Is it just me or is there something wrong with that?

5. Your girlfriend will post your bail and won't think twice about forgiving you but she will never think it is funny and will certainly not feel sorry for you. Come-on, surely this is easily one of the top-ten funniest 'I got really drunk and did something outrageously stupid' stories in existence. But then again, maybe I'm a Shit Head.

6. Lawyers don't think 'I was playing keep up with a 6' 6" ex-green beret' is an adequate defence for assaulting 2 police officers, even if one is a horse. But lack of responsible service of alcohol from the place you were drinking is perfectly acceptable. Even though it WAS me drinking this ISN'T my fault. Welcome to the Modern Legal World.

7. Roughly 13 'Australian' Pints, 13 scotches and 1 absinthe (within 3 hours) leaves you with a .17 blood alcohol reading the Following Day when they receive consent to take blood. (remember .05 is the limit here - the previous nights police ordered reading was .34 ) Maybe I am a Deity - I never had my stomach pumped (I don't think) and apparently I should be dead.

8. When watching the video surveillance footage of the Horse Incident and your asked to confirm 'Is that you?' Don't, under any circumstances, respond with 'can I have a copy to send to Funniest Home Videos' and then tickle the officer under the chin and say 'Just joking'. OK, I never did that but I wanted to.

9. A Judge during a Bail Hearing can officially label you as Stupid in the court records. I am Officially Stupid forever more.

10. If you must get arrested - And you must at least once, it’s an interesting experience - Don't do it throwing up on a horse who is considered a police officer.

Well, hand me another beer, what did you do on the weekend?

Take: 47

Anonymous Rich mused...

Spooky, it was published at the 66th minute past the 6th hour... wooooooooo...

Tue Jun 06, 09:13:00 am

 
Blogger L>T mused...

Oh my, I just realized what day it is!

That was just hilarious. I had to stop about five times to wipe my eyes. Anytime somebody's fool anough or drunk anough to mess with the cops is pretty funny, eh?

Last Saturday at the parade my son got pulled over (driving my husbands new pickup, BTW)he was so nervous he sideswiped a parked truck. Luckly, It was his uncles truck.(small town, ya know) The policeman felt so sorry for him, he let him off without a ticket.

Tue Jun 06, 10:02:00 am

 
Anonymous Satan mused...

It's probably still the 5th where you are, one of the small pleasures in being from Oz, we get to start the Apocalypse early.

Yeah, I think that's my favourite story from Satan's old site. That nd the kiddies book about Billy.

In my home town (which was small) you'd have probably been thrown in jail for that. The cops weren't exactly nice guys.

Tue Jun 06, 10:16:00 am

 
Blogger L>T mused...

They aren't here either. They are real dicks, usally.

You are right, it is still the 5th here. I thot everyone was being strangely quiet about it.

Tue Jun 06, 10:35:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Well, he was very very lucky then. Or the cop was drunk.

You just wait, fire and brimstone will fall upon thee!

Tue Jun 06, 10:56:00 am

 
Blogger ticharu mused...

Ha! Ha! Ha! What a dumb ass! It took a couple simular instances for ME TOO! I get that way with just 4 beers though. Totally shit-face drunk. Throwing up on the horse! My God that was funny! Great little story to tell the children before bed! I'm still laughing.

Tue Jun 06, 12:36:00 pm

 
Anonymous RIch mused...

Tich, I think 'dumb-ass' is being far too kind.

Australians are renowned world-wide for their ability to drink copious amounts of alcohol. It's us, the Irish and the Russians who seem to be somewhat impervious to it's mischief. Unfortunately we're not equally impervious to vomit-coated horses.

Possibly a better story to tell the teenages before they go out to a party?

Tue Jun 06, 01:38:00 pm

 
Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

Look at the lump on your forehead! Goodness, gracious!
Did you have a concussion?
And .34, I bet you went down a full three IQ points that night. Pickled your own head!

That was quite the funniest "I got so drunk..." story I've ever read.

Tue Jun 06, 08:41:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

Happy belated 6/6/06!

I think satan came to vist last night, lucky devil.

Tue Jun 06, 11:14:00 pm

 
Blogger Gyrobo mused...

I thought he stopped blogging months ago?

Tue Jun 06, 11:44:00 pm

 
Blogger Jane mused...

Satan - you've got to be kidding me!

The Satan I know and love is into to making films?

Welcome back to Satan-dom!

Wed Jun 07, 01:11:00 am

 
Blogger Marc Deckter mused...

Wow! Crazy story!

That certainly is one of the best "drunk-and-did-something-stupid-stories" I've ever heard (possibly the best).

Green berets, cops, horses, vomit, bruises, licking cops, Plexi-Glass.... sounds like you need to make a short film of this experience! You could make it a black&white silent film like a Buster Keaton short or something...

Wed Jun 07, 01:22:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey SafeT,

I don't know who the poor sap is in the photo but it's definately not Satan. But I am really glad you like the story! I think once Satan's IQ got down to around 70 from his drinking related exploits he wouldn't notice another 3 points missing.

Wed Jun 07, 12:56:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

l>t, why thankyou! Happy 6er's to you too.

I'm not sure you would be a lucky devil. Most people just end up with an empty wallet and booze cabinet when Satan comes to visit.

Wed Jun 07, 12:59:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Gyrobo, Satan is dead! He spontaneously combusted after using a Roboshrub product, he was most impressed.

Wed Jun 07, 01:01:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Yay, Miss Jane,

So lovely to see you here. I'm sure Satan hated losing touch with one of his fav poets.

Satan was most definately into making films, unfortunately they mostly consist of him on screen for several hours scratching himself. Not exactly compelling viewing and the suicide rate amongst his audience was disasterously high, but he was willing to live with that.

Wed Jun 07, 01:09:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Marc, I've thought of at least half a dozen ways to present this story as a film and a 'Buster Keaton' tribute would surely have to be one of the best.

Personally, I've always been partial to producing it, along with two other Satan stories, as a small stage play supported by a multimedia display. I feel stories like this are always best told in person in a well lubricated environment. It adds to the charm and believability.

Wed Jun 07, 01:16:00 pm

 
Blogger Marc Deckter mused...

I feel stories like this are always best told in person in a well lubricated environment.

Haha - yeah, it would be great to see a re-enactment of this crazy evening. This story must be passed down to the next generations to come!

Wed Jun 07, 01:21:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

I don't know. it goes over so well in print. Total imagination stimulant.

But, doing it as a film? Would you run the risk of going over the top?
Not that i know anything about it.

Wed Jun 07, 01:47:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

That's exactly the problem I kept running into when I was trying to concieve of this as a film project l>t.

Stories in Film are reconisable as faked, this story needs that element of truth for it to work. I was more than happy for this one to be a 'print only' story. Then I started telling it to people, I've done that on half a dozen occasions, and it really works as well as it does in print as a first person story.

I totally agree Marc, this story is too much fun not to pass it on. Everyone I've told it too totally digs it, verbalising it doesn't stem their imaginative involvment. Luckily there are two more stories that I've written in the same style. They'd make for a fun play or spoken word pieces, especially if a 'pub' feel was imbued into the room. Maybe I could hand out beers as people presented their tickets?

Wed Jun 07, 02:12:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

do you want me to give you the link?

Wed Jun 07, 03:15:00 pm

 
Blogger mizfit mused...

that was hilarious! ur post help me successfully supress my latest ." oh! what stupid things i did when i got drunk this time."

nice blog u got going!

Wed Jun 07, 05:05:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

l>t It's cool sista, I'll get to it eventually.

Thu Jun 08, 09:40:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey Mizfit, thanks for dropping bye.

Just because this dude did something completely stupid doesn't mean that what you did wasn't completely stupid as well. But isn't that what drinking is all about?! No need to be ashamed, one should laud their stupidity for all to see.

I'll drop by and check out your blog when I can. Thanks.

Thu Jun 08, 09:43:00 am

 
Blogger Jane mused...

Silly, you are talking to a girl who almost attended a full Andy Warhol movie fest that was cancelled due to lack of audience

Thu Jun 08, 12:18:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

Oh no! I can't access my Encryptor.

Help!!!

Thu Jun 08, 12:24:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Jane, that's why I love ya, doesn't surprise me one little bit.

Although I'm a little disappointed you didn't attend in protest and sit for several hours in front of the blank screen. You could have filmed it and then you'd be as cool as Andy... is that possible?

Thu Jun 08, 12:30:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

l>t It's cool sista, you'll get to it eventually.

Thu Jun 08, 12:30:00 pm

 
Blogger ticharu mused...

Hey, did Andy Warhol ever throw up on a police horse?

Thu Jun 08, 12:50:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Twice actually!

You didn't think it was an original idea did you Tich. If Andy taught us anything with his replicated-soup-can-continuum it's that there's nothing new in Art.

He also threw up on a small dog called Barry...

...hang-on, Andy didn't do any of that, shit, that was all me again!

Thu Jun 08, 01:05:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

I just saw a documentry about all his wigs. really strange.

Also, I have an old cook book illustrated by him in his struggling artist days. it's called, "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cookbook" copywrite 1961
He was Andrew Warhol, then.

Thu Jun 08, 01:59:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

There's a documentary about Barry the kaleidoscope covered canine's wigs? I hate it when he tries to do me out of my commission... oh, you meant Andy Warhol.

He was a strange cat, cool though. Am I right in suspecting that the cookbook is worth a little now? Are his illustrations indicative of what he was going to become?

Thu Jun 08, 02:06:00 pm

 
Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

Ah...Satan's shiner was didfffferednt.

Thu Jun 08, 02:11:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Damn! Now I have a 1960's style jingle in my head... Barry - doot doo - the kaleidoscope covered canine!

Thu Jun 08, 02:11:00 pm

 
Blogger Squid Vicious mused...

Ever get that feeling of Deja vu? I have but only twice...

Thu Jun 08, 02:12:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

SafeT? Are you drunk? Stay away from the ponies SafeT, stay away from the Ponies!

Thu Jun 08, 02:13:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey Squid, nice to see you man...

I just want to point out you, YOU, spoke/typed in French. Couldn't you have least made it Franglais.

Thu Jun 08, 02:18:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

I'll try to post a couple on my blog if I can get the picture thing up & running give me a few minutes.

It's not worth anything I don't think. quite a few were printed. Not many people realize he drew the pictures.

Thu Jun 08, 02:24:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

There you go! enjoy!

Thu Jun 08, 02:38:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Well, they certainly are Warhols but they certainly aren't recognisable as a Warhol. Good illustrations though.

Thu Jun 08, 02:43:00 pm

 
Blogger L>T mused...

yeah, I think I read somewhere that he was sucking up to people like the Vanderbilts in the beginning of his career. The guy knew how to promote himself.

Ha ha! I just got the barry kaleidoscope covered canine wigs.

what a dork!

Thu Jun 08, 02:52:00 pm

 
Blogger JLee mused...

all I can say is....."wow" If it's any consolation, vomit is probably easier to clean off a horse than upholstery?

Thu Jun 08, 02:59:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Iiiiiiiitttt's Barry

the kaleidoscope covered canine

covered in a human sal-ty brine

and as much as you might beg

you know
you know

he will
he will

get you back when he lifts his leg!

Thu Jun 08, 03:13:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Actually Jlee, I could imagine that the horse would be pretty angry after that.

Something that couldn't necessarily be said about upholstery.

Thu Jun 08, 03:14:00 pm

 
Blogger mizfit mused...

rich, u are right!!! CHEERS!! ::glug, glug, glug::

sho u were shaying shomething? ::hic::

Fri Jun 09, 09:55:00 pm

 
Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

Not drunk, I had a headache.
I get these headaches.
Like a hangover but without the fun of having been drunk first.
Bah!

Mon Jun 12, 06:24:00 am

 
Blogger Friends of McDougal mused...

Do you know a man name of McDougal?

'Cuz that lyin' bastard tells the same story ... only it's from the horse's perspective.

And in his story, that wasn't the cop's face you licked ... and he (the horse) wishes you'd call.

Tue Jul 18, 10:20:00 pm

 

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