Classic Satan #2

Arcturus wanted another Satan Post, who am I to deny a man on his birthday. Strap yourselves in...

Satan is sometimes purty!

Murder, accident or otherwise...

Who the hell knows, they're all possible, but the hardly surprising fact remains, Brian is dead.

I actually didn't think it would take this long, I've known him for seven years and he always played the game of life a little loose and hard. I probably wanted him dead on several occasions myself. Not that it's an unusual reaction to someone like Brian. Don’t worry, the feeling was mutual I'm sure, doesn't mean we didn't have our moments.

The first day I met Brian he was a fat, naked, sweating, unconscious mass lying next to a pair of khaki shorts on the red carpet of our luxury apartment complex foyer. There's always a moment when confronted with a sight like that where you honestly don't know what to do, ignore it, check his pulse, throw up, call an ambulance, nah, I'd seen him dropping empty vodka bottles in a bin out by the rose garden most mornings and with the fairly safe assumption he was maggoted I did the only thing a rational young musician (which I was at the time) could do. I pulled his front door shut, the dead bolt gave a nice resounding click, and then I stole his shorts.

Stop judging me! I had a 'new' second-hand 16mm film camera upstairs and my balcony looked onto his courtyard. As I lit my first cigarette and waited for Brian to appear I mused on the fact that my new film 'fat, naked, sweating, drunk man breaking into own flat' was definitely the funniest thing I was ever going to film, certainly worthy of my new hobby. As it played out he appeared 15 minutes later accompanied by the raised voice of another neighbour and disappeared through his patio door so quickly that I didn't even have the chance to get the camera up to speed. What kind of drunk leaves his back door ope... oh never mind.

The story could have ended there, and when drunk enough I'd proudly recount the time I stole a guys shorts and locked him out of his flat, but then I'd have never met Brian. As much as you can live without someone like Brian they have the uncanny ability to teach life’s most valuable lessons. Probably the most important being how to make more money in a single night, any night, than most of you will earn in a month. That night I was due for my first lesson.

I'd been out and come back again, flaming Sambucas and trying my hardest to play keep up with a Jazz band that was well above my league - trust me, blue flaming, liquorice flavoured elderberry juice is no excuse for pulling out an octave short during a flute solo, no-one will notice except the guys and girls you're playing with but it's their shit you have to cop later in the night - so, there I was feeling a little drunk and dejected, and sitting on my balcony smoking cigarettes while slowly getting into a state that my friends would later call 'Horse' drunk, when I noticed a fair amount of noise coming from Brian's flat. At first I thought it was the TV until I hear Brian yell, "I don't have your fucking money because I lost my fucking wallet", followed by the sound of a crash and Brian, now dressed, making an appearance into his courtyard via a closed glass door.

Now I don't know about you, but when confronted with something like this there's a moment when you honestly don't know what to do, ignore it, call the police, get your camera, or throw up because YOU stole HIS fucking wallet. I lurched inside to where his shorts were lying across the back of a dining room chair, thrust my hand into the back pocket, fuck, I open his wallet, fuck, quickly count the huge stack of notes, fuck, five large... yes, that's right, I stole FIVE THOUSAND fucking dollars from a fat, naked, sweating, unconscious mass.

I was out of the flat and pounding at his door before I even realised what I was doing. Oh shit, what was I going to say? Ummm, how about, OH SHIT! Half a second before I turned to walk away the door opened. "What the fuck do you want?". I don't know if it was because this guy was all of five feet or the huge amount of alcohol in my system or maybe a strange combination of both but I simply said "I want to smoke a fucking cigarette on my balcony without listening to this dipshit plead for his life" the guy looked me up and down "And?". Bloody good question. Not one that I was really expecting. Then a polite voice that I hardly recognised as my own said "And... well... and how much does it cost me to make you go away?". I had five thousand dollars in my pocket and I wasn't afraid to use it. So I paid the guys their 5 grand and in return, after three very large gentlemen and the midget had left, Brian gave me his watch and said he'd pay me back the following day.

Which he did, there was NO way I was about to explain to a drunk with rough friends that I'd stolen his pants, I'm not stupid, well, OK, stupid and drunk enough to put myself in the middle of a scary situation but not so dumb as to let them know it was my fault... and anyway five grand to a struggling Musician is almost enough to cover your monthly beer bill. That afternoon was the first time I got drunk with Brian, where I found out that he was 'sort of' in the film business and the first time he told me that if I ever touched his watch again he'd bury me alive and dance on my grave.

Well, not surprisingly, he got there first. Here's a photo of not-so-fat-Brian on the set of one of my films, it's the way I saw him most.

We had the reading of his Will yesterday*, all I got was this... and a note saying "I never could dance".

RIP you dipshit! So what was the best gift you ever got from a dead guy? or you could just leave a comment or question.

* Obviously that was some time ago now.

Take: 59

Blogger Calzone mused...

I remember this post.

I had a friend Stu, he always wore a baseball hat that said "Commie Martyr High School" on it. The last time I saw him we played pool and I took all his money, I mean I don't know if he could even eat after I was done with him. A few days later he was dead.

He did it to me once too.

Tue Nov 28, 12:31:00 pm

Blogger ticharu mused...

Which is better? Cricket or baseball? How do you hit a homerun in cricket? What if baseball players wore sweaters? Do baseball players ever switch and play cricket in Japan? This is a nice cage Brian... has Monkey been here? I smell banana!

Tue Nov 28, 12:42:00 pm

Blogger jin mused...

*jin tries to think what to comment on*

He's very hairy, isn't he?

Hmmm....the 2 last posts have bearded men in them. Is that your 'thing'?

*jin runs away FAST*

Tue Nov 28, 12:59:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

CALZONE! Yo bro, how's the flow?

I thought you might remember this one, he does have a name that'd stick in your memory.

Man, that's a bummer. It'd definitely leave you wondering. But he did choose to play.

Hope everything is cool over your way.

PS> "Commie Martyr High School" Ha!

Tue Nov 28, 01:19:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Tich, that's a lot of questions :)

In my humble opinion, Cricket will always be a much more interesting game... it's infinitely more strategic and more difficult because of the bounce of the pitch.

You don't hit a home run. You are either in bat or you are out. If the ball is played into the field you run between the wickets (wood things at both ends) and however many times you get between the two is how many runs you get for that ball, if you hit the fence around the ground it's 4 runs and if you hit it over the fence it's 6 runs.

Cricket players don't wear sweaters much anymore but if baseballers wore them they'd be much trendier.

No, they don't. Cricket isn't played in Japan.

What's a nice cage?

Monkey hasn't been here since before thanksgiving... I'm burning banana incense in the hope he'll come back.

Tue Nov 28, 01:26:00 pm

Anonymous rICH mused...


Ticharu has a beard as well! And so do I! Beards are taking over the world! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!

Tue Nov 28, 01:28:00 pm

Blogger Squid Vicious mused...

When I commented on this post so long ago, it was very witty and entertaining. This time, however, is not. Just imagine this comment is witty and entertaining, too.

(What about the bunny rabbit post???)

Tue Nov 28, 03:19:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

No, I have your comment that was attached to this post Squid. It was neither witty nor entertaining ;) OK, it probably was... I didn't keep the comments from the old blog, unfortunately they were the best part of the whole damn thing.

The one where I turned my entire blog pink and got everyone to be nice to a random blogger? Ha! That was awesome... I wonder whatever happened to that person?!

Tue Nov 28, 03:39:00 pm

Blogger JLee mused...

This reminds me of an episode of "Friends".

Tue Nov 28, 03:53:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

JLee, What? Friends had an episode containing a house-trained psycho with a Napolean complex? And a FP Journe watch? Well, actually a friends actor might even be able to own a watch like that if they saved 'episode payments' for a while.

Tue Nov 28, 04:13:00 pm

Blogger mizfit mused...

i oonce got a call from a dead guy...that's ALL i got.
he said 'Satin sayz hello." ofcourse it was a long distance call so maybe i heard it wrong. he might have meant "satan sayz hello".

wait! did i just say dead??? OMG!!!

Tue Nov 28, 09:08:00 pm

Blogger L>T mused...

Very entertaining. I had to look up flaming Sambucas I've never heard of the drink or the band. Honestly the drink doesn't so great. I haven't listened to the band yet.

Wed Nov 29, 12:50:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Mizfit, Ha! I've been dead for months now, hasn't stopped me blogging of course...

Wed Nov 29, 10:35:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

l>t, my life is entertaining to you? Bugger... Ha! I think it's a fairly amusing story, maybe not as ludicrously humorous as the horse story because of the whole dead dude thing, but entertaining all the same.

Flaming Sambucas are great if you like liquorice, if not, don't touch them. But it's kinda cool getting a shot on fire, putting your hand on top of the glass which extinguishes the flame and suction caps the glass to your hand, and then as you remove your hand you breath in the alcoholic fumes and drink the shot. They're a lot of fun.

I haven't listened to the band either.

Wed Nov 29, 10:43:00 am

Blogger JLee mused...

I was thinking of the "ugly naked guy" episode!

Thu Nov 30, 05:47:00 am

Blogger Wendy mused...


Thu Nov 30, 08:59:00 am

Blogger Arcturus mused...

I think I lost my comment ...

Let me try again ...

I didn't realize this posting was vaguely in response to what I wrote.

As it is, I'm sort of at a loss as to what to say. Why did this guy Brian die? And why did those people want $5000? And didn't he think it odd -- when he finally sobered up -- that you just happened to have $5000 on you? He never asked about that?

And WHY IN THE HECK DID YOU STEAL HIS SHORTS?? That's stranger than when you got horse drunk and kissed the male cop on his neck before vomiting on him and his horse.

And you play in a jazz band in Sydney? You lead a lot more interesting life than I do.

Blogger Rackorf pointed out 0.5 million megalitres of water passes through Sydney Harbour every day. I'd say about double that amount of liquor can pass through you when you really get going.

Thu Nov 30, 09:03:00 am

Blogger Arcturus mused...



Thu Nov 30, 09:06:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Ha! I know JLee.

I admit, the idea is funny. Unfortunately the reality is a lot more sickening. No-one wants to come face to face with some strange unconscious naked man's sweaty ball sack in the entrance to their building.

Thu Nov 30, 01:01:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

*tips hat* Thankyou Ma'am.

Thu Nov 30, 01:02:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Arcturus... dude, really, why he died and the purpose of Brian's visitors is of no relevance to the story. Sometimes a little mystery in life is a good thing.

5G, to the people who lived in that apartment complex, is not a lot of money, eg. My flat mate at the time was making about 350G a month. It's a matter of perspective.

Why did I steal his shorts? I said don't judge me! I thought it would be funny to film.

No, I used to play in a Jazz band, poorly, in Canberra.

Thu Nov 30, 01:09:00 pm

Blogger ticharu mused...

Gosh! You answered ALL my questions! More than I wanted to know really but thanks just the same.
I'm not much into sports except for porn...

Thu Nov 30, 01:19:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...


But you didn't answer my question, what cage were you talking about?

I'm not into the whole 'male bonding' side of sport but I really enjoy playing and watching Cricket and Soccer. Porn's also a good sport, but I like a level playing field between the male and female participants.

Thu Nov 30, 01:33:00 pm

Blogger Bathroom Hippo mused...

I have made a triumphant return to Rich's blog!!!

Do Aussies spell it blaug?


Trying to take your advice more on the movie I'm workin on. Making sure the characters legs' move and arms move. The hard part will be Gyrobo...he doesn't have legs...he only has a spring/flame coming from his ass...so not much change to him.

I'll let you know when it's done.

Thu Nov 30, 01:47:00 pm

Blogger jin mused...

Just wanted to scare you like you scared me!!!
six &
lucky seven


Thu Nov 30, 01:50:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey B-Hip, I have noticed your absence. I just figured you were out playing the field. Gotta luuurv the ladies!

Ah, no, it's blog. But I do like the way Monkey says it, blaaarg.

As for the film... there's a balance, you don't want to ruin your style (which is awesome and totally enjoyable) but it's also a good chance to play with one of the staples of animators characterisation through body movement (if school permits you the time to play that way). Look at a Bugs Bunny cartoon, 90% of what he's saying is with his body. I always got the impression that Gyrobo floated, a gentle up and down movement... kinda like the way the planets move in Whirligig (which isn't playing at the moment, but will be after I re-load it on the weekend).

Anyway, glad you're back and totally looking forward to seeing you film when it's done.

Thu Nov 30, 02:08:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...


That's hotty hotty hot haaawy, gives a bloke something to hold onto!

Thu Nov 30, 02:10:00 pm

Blogger jin mused...


C'mon...you HAD to be FREAKED OUT!!!
(I got freaked out just looking for them! :-S)

I bet you lost your lunch & just don't want to admit it!?

Thu Nov 30, 02:26:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

The only one that freaked me out was number 4... the rest were just funny ;)

I have a strong stomach.

My girl and I were thinking about having a themed party for out tenth anniversary. We thought Side-Show would be cool because she could come as the Bearded Lady. Yep, we're freaks!

Thu Nov 30, 02:54:00 pm

Blogger Bathroom Hippo mused...


I don't have time for a girlfriend...

well...okay that's an excuse.

Ton of hot girls here in college...
I tend to go for the religious type. They're usually more responsible.

Sadly...getting a wife here in Utah means that I've got to go to church every week. I haven't been in awhile. I wonder what it's like in Australia...the dating situation?

Since I've been in college I've only been on one date...a group date...hated it.

Thu Nov 30, 03:41:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

B-Hip! Yoinks!

Responsible girls? I'm shaking my head at you Hippo while wearing a non-serious sardonic grin.

YOU ARE YOUNG! There's a reason why you are young, to get good at sex so that when you have a wife you can pleasure her with all the skills that befit a good husband. Sex is not for procreation only. Religious girls are perfect, when I was at school I always dated catholic school girls... those girls were Naughty (capital N). I am an ex-baptist and my girl is an ex-mormom our respective fathers are elders in their churches. I know what you're up against.

Religons, particularly fundamental Christian based religons, are for the stupid. Faith, yes, indoctrination, NO! Relax, go out, experience the world, have fun, sleep with lots of girls you respect and who respect you, find out what you like or dislike, wear a condom... always... but don't forget you have a soul, it's the surest way to find someone you will love forever.

Thu Nov 30, 04:02:00 pm

Blogger Bathroom Hippo mused...


How did this turn into a conversation about sex??

I don't date for sex. I'd rather talk to an interesting intelligent sheila for 10 minutes than have sex. Of course I'm different. I live in Utah...there's a hidden moral law most people follow here. Cover your eyes and ears for what I'm about to tell you. In Utah we typically don't have sex until we're married. There I said it!! Do I need to call the paramedics? Are you alright?!?

Mormonism fits me... it doesn't fit me as good as I would like...but I'm happy. I've studied every religion in detail, and was even an Atheist for a month...but Mormonism (relaxed Mormonism) fits my style. Probably because I'm a circumstance of my location. I dunno. Most Christians are idiots, yes....but I would argue that most non-Christians are even worse. It's just that Christians are in the spotlight...and their stupidity seems magnified.

Thu Nov 30, 04:55:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

That is sooo cruel ;) You don't date for sex... sheesh... Dating is about trying someone else on for size. What if you dated someone, got along great, got married, and then found out they were a dud in the sack? That would be cruel. So very cruel... *chuckling to myself*

See, as a non-religious person I can chat with a fantastic, interesting intelligent sheila for more than 10 minutes and then have sex too if we want. It's a pretty good deal. Sex is fun.

I don't think studying a religon or becoming an Aethist tells you a lot about life or yourself. Living life to it's fullest will have a habit of doing that.

Oh, and I don't think that most Xtians are idiots, I think they're religions cater for the lowest common denominator so they treat them like they are idiots and you'd have to be an idiot to put up with that... waaaaait, yes, most Christians are idiots... Ha!

PS. remember... there's no need to take me seriously.

Thu Nov 30, 05:18:00 pm

Blogger Bathroom Hippo mused...

I'd rather be married to an interesting intelligent sheila whose not very good at sex than end up with a good-in-bed braindead one.

It's just my preference. Perhaps a fetish, even.

Thu Nov 30, 05:50:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hehehe, oh B-Hip, if they were the only choices I agree with you... and keep the braindead one for my mistress. Ha!

I'm leading you astray, I'm with the girl I'm spending my life because of who she is, it was never about the sex (but oh boy, ring-a-ding-ding did I luck out). But making a lot of mistakes along the way certainly helped in understanding why she was so awesome. :)

Thu Nov 30, 07:10:00 pm

Blogger kikazinha mused...

Any support word is extremely nice G., my work is made of people who love it.I can only say thank you.
I was in London and now I am trying to get more work in urban/fashion culture magazines...

Thanks for getting the notebook, and LULU has very good printing quality:)

Thu Nov 30, 10:30:00 pm

Blogger kikazinha mused...

Any support word is extremely nice G., my work is made of people who love it.I can only say thank you.
I was in London and now I am trying to get more work in urban/fashion culture magazines...

Thanks for getting the notebook, and LULU has very good printing quality:)

Thu Nov 30, 10:30:00 pm

Blogger Arcturus mused...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Fri Dec 01, 08:20:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Carla, Hey! I love your artwork, why wouldn't I want to own a notebook littered with such wonderful pictures.

If anyone wants a really nice Xmas gift for that person who has everything, Carla has a beautiful inexpensive illustrated Notebook for sale. It's linked through her site. It contains 70 of her illustrations from her childrens books (which are more than a little popular in her home country, Portugal)

Arturus, Yeah, I live in Sydney.

But please don't use my blog as a place to debate B-Hip. I have a suspicion he doesn't care or he'd invite you to debate it on his site.

Fri Dec 01, 09:08:00 am

Blogger Arcturus mused...

Okay, no problem. Removed. Check ya later.

Fri Dec 01, 09:23:00 am

Blogger Dan mused...

I can't blame you for not having time ... what with all that time you spend with PhotoShop and Santa hats! ;)

Fri Dec 01, 09:29:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Ha! Dan, welcome to GetFilms... 2 minutes work my friend, two minutes work.

Fri Dec 01, 10:40:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Arcturus, it's no problem whatsoever dude, no offense taken on my part. It was just a 'in future...' thing.

Fri Dec 01, 10:42:00 am

Blogger kikazinha mused...

Aha, now I got it! You are Australian, that's really cool!!

Thanks for getting the notebook!Hope you'll like it!!Greetings from Lisbon, Portugal.

Fri Dec 01, 11:20:00 am

Blogger Brookelina mused...

I love this story.

Fri Dec 01, 11:40:00 am

Blogger ticharu mused...

Thee cage, you know, the one you keep for ignorant bloggers who are culturally insensitive...

Fri Dec 01, 12:18:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Well, Greetings Carla, from Sydney Australia!

No thanks needed, I'm the lucky one. Your illustrations are beautiful. I wish I could read Portuguese, that would be cool, then I could actually read your books :)

Fri Dec 01, 11:30:00 pm

Blogger Monkey mused...


You complain, but he left you a damn fine watch.

I am still sick. UGH. UGH. UGH. Typhoid Monkey! Coming to your blog! Sneezing and weezing! Snoring like a log!


Fri Dec 01, 11:42:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Brookelina... awwww... cheers sweetheart! I appreciate it :)

I don't know how historical you are with my last site but there's a better story to come. I had to introduce my mate first though as he plays a main role... hell, he is the story. I wouldn't have known what the hell to think if he hadn't been there.

Life is weird. So is...

Fri Dec 01, 11:42:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Tich, I love my bloggers... whoever they are, cage or not, goddamn they're interesting :)

Fri Dec 01, 11:45:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I love you Monkey!

Not a single complaint and not a single monkey has ever questioned the Journe. It's the most fascinating part of the entire story.

Not many were made... and all but Brian's sat in a vault. He wore it day to day, it marked his time. His time is over. And now I keep it with the rest, in a vault.

It scares me to wear it...

What doesn't scare me is Monkey Typhoid. I think of you daily :)

Fri Dec 01, 11:52:00 pm

Blogger L>T mused...

Aw you love us....how sweet! Now go get a baboon up your ass. ha ha!

Sat Dec 02, 02:35:00 am

Blogger L>T mused...

crap! I mean, "Get a baboon up ya!"

Sat Dec 02, 02:37:00 am

Blogger delu mused...

And when are you coming to see us to Spain or Portugal, uh? If a beautiful notebook travells so far, there's no reason why you shouldn't do the same. :-)

Sat Dec 02, 11:11:00 am

Blogger Gyrobo mused...

It's times like this I wish I'd had more time to blog... back in the day.

Back when blogs were blogs and comments meant something.

You know, a month ago.

Sun Dec 03, 03:52:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Well, L>t, I thought I did... but the Baboon wasn't kind to me. Last time I trust you :)

Mon Dec 04, 01:58:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Sure Delu! The next time I can travel halfway around the world for less than $10 I'll be there :)

I've always wanted to visit Spain...

Mon Dec 04, 01:59:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...


Comments have never meant nothing... it's in their nature.

Mon Dec 04, 01:59:00 pm

Blogger poopee shmoopee mused...

i am so behind in my reading, however, i DO remember that satan classic.

Tue Dec 12, 10:57:00 am


Post a Comment

<< Home