12/04/2006

Bad Sex Award

Ha! I was going to post the other Brian story, and I will, but this is too funny.

When I first encountered the Bad Sex Award, started by Rhoda Koenig (a literary critic) and Auberon Waugh (The Literary Review) 14 years ago to help stamp out redundant sex scenes in fiction, I thought 'how bad can it really be?'. It's bad, both the writing and the sex, but intensely funny if you have a mind like mine. A mind that is as mature and sophisticated as any pubescent teenager I know.

Anyway, here's a few excerpts from this years short-list...

Black Swan Green by David Mitchell (Sceptre)

If Dawn Madden's breasts were a pair of Danishes, Debby Crombie's got two Space Hoppers. Each armed with a gribbly nipple. Tom Yew kissed them in turn and his saliva glistened in the April sun. I know watching was wrong but I couldn't not. Tom Yew slipped off her red panties and stroked the cressy hair there.

'If you want me to stop, Madam Crombie, you have to say now.'

'Oooh, Master Yew,' she croodled, 'don't you dare.'

Tom Yew got on her and sort of jiggled there and she gasped like he was giving her a Chinese burn and wrapped her legs round him, froggily. Now he moved up and down, Man-from Atlantisly. His silver chain jiggled on his neck.

Now her grubby soles met like they were praying.

Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat.

Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll.

Now Tom Yew's body jerkjerked judderily jackknifed and a noise like a ripping cable tore out of him. Once more, like he'd been booted in the balls.

Her fingernails'd sunk salmony welts into his arse.

Debby Crombie's mouth made a perfect O.


----------------------
Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs by Irvine Welsh (Cape)

It was uncomfortably hot in Mary's flat, but Skinner took a seat opposite the fat old woman. - Can you help me? He said earnestly.

- What's your problem?

He told her that he believed that he had put a spell on somebody. He wanted to know if this was possible, how he could have done this, and how it could be reversed.

- Oh aye, it's possible. Mary regarded him cannily. - I can help you, but I need payin first, son. Money's nae use tae me at ma age. Her eyes wrinkled. - You're a fine-lookin laddie, she said harshly. - A good cock, son, that's the payment I need!

Skinner looked at her, and shook his head ...

- Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.

As Skinner undressed, the old woman removed her coat and began to struggle out of a series of cardigans, pinafores and vests. Lying on the bed, she looked smaller but still monstrous, wrinkled rolls of flab spilling over the mattress. Foul aromas rose from the putrefying pools of sweat and dead skin trapped within the folds of her flesh. - Thoat ye'd be bigger, Mary pouted as Skinner removed his Calvin Klein briefs.


----------------------
Against the Day by Thomas Pynchon (Jonathan Cape)

"Mouffette? She's a papillon ... a sort of French ladies' lapdog."

"A - You say," gears in his mind beginning to crank, " 'lap' - French ... lap-dog?"

Somehow gathering that Ruperta had trained her toy spaniel to provide intimate "French" caresses of the tongue for the pleasure of its mistress.

"Well! you two are ... pretty close then, I guess?"

"I wuv my ickle woofwoof, ess I doo!"

[...]

"Oboy, oboy." He stroked the diminutive spaniel for a while until, with no warning, she jumped off the couch and slowly went into the bedroom, looking back now and then over her shoulder. Reef followed, taking out his penis, breathing heavily through his mouth. "Here, Mouffie, nice big dog bone for you right here, lookit this, yeah, seen many of these lately? come on, smells good don't it, mmm, yum!" and so forth, Mouffette meantime angling her head, edging closer, sniffing with curiosity. "That's right, now, o-o-open up... good girl, good Mouffette now let's just put this - yaahhgghh!"

----------------------
It gets quite a bit worse for the ickle woofwoof so I'll leave it there. You can go here to see last years Winner(?) and other equally hilarious ways people have destroyed sex with their writing.

Don't get caught getting jerkjerked judderily jackknifed like a glazed pork over this post...

Take: 36

Blogger jin mused...

OMG that's hilarious!!!!!

And really really really AWFUL!!!

Hahahaha!!!!

Mon Dec 04, 02:04:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

It's scarey to think these things were published and it really does make me wonder if the authors editor was really drunk the day they didn't put a red line through the sentence containing the phrase "He stroked the diminutive spaniel..."

Mon Dec 04, 02:34:00 pm

 
Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Am I the only one here who is aroused?

Mon Dec 04, 03:37:00 pm

 
Blogger Squid Vicious mused...

These were PUBLISHED???
Fuck...

My book is looking better and better. I wonder if there is a section at the book store for "non-erotic fiction"?

Tue Dec 05, 06:34:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Ha! Yes, Diana I think you are.

I sort of lost interest when the breast where described as Space Hoppers. Mmmm, now that's haaawt!

Tue Dec 05, 08:39:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Squuuid!

I thought you may appreciate these. Yes, the award is only for published work. There's a whole truck load of crap being published every day. If your book was published it certainly fall into that category... although... maybe you should put in a badly described sex scene of try to be nominated for this award. Shoot for the stars my friend, shoot for the stars.

Tue Dec 05, 08:43:00 am

 
Blogger Squid Vicious mused...

To think all this time I was just shooting for my belly button...

Tue Dec 05, 08:55:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

I thought you were shooting for Wendy's... never mind...

Tue Dec 05, 10:01:00 am

 
Blogger JLee mused...

Thanks, I just spewed some smoothie out my nose!
Is this for real?? hahahah

Tue Dec 05, 10:13:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Hmmmm, Nose smoothie! You could totally right a scene for one of these books JLee.

Tue Dec 05, 10:19:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Squid... um... I should proof my comments. That was meant to be "it would certainly not fall into that category". My bad.

PS. You suck!

PPS. Jokes!

Tue Dec 05, 11:43:00 am

 
Blogger L>T mused...

4 stars on your funny. mmm, yum!" and so forth...

Tue Dec 05, 04:13:00 pm

 
Blogger Wendy mused...

totally off topic, but I want to get you christmas card out tomorrow so you might get by Valentines Day. Uhm, you moved right? I think we only have your old address. Will you e-mail me the new one?

THank you!

Wendy_42913@yahoo.com

Tue Dec 05, 07:38:00 pm

 
Blogger ticharu mused...

That wasn't good? I'm confused again..

Wed Dec 06, 12:47:00 am

 
Blogger Friends of McDougal mused...

I am currently recruiting ghostwriters for the McDougal blog. Anyone know where I can get a hold of David Mitchell?

Wed Dec 06, 12:18:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

L>t... 4 Stars! Woo Hoo! One more and I'll have the whole set, wait, what on earth are you talking about? When did I say "mmm, yum!"?

Wed Dec 06, 05:04:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Wendy, no, no I wont email you! Or something like that :)

Wed Dec 06, 05:05:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Ticharu... I guess that's the good thing about art, it will always find it's audience. Glad to have supplied you with a reading list.

Wed Dec 06, 05:07:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Friend of Mac, I believe Mr Mitchell is living in London...

...under a bridge drinking boxed wine with the rest of the equally talented erotic writers. I believe his ghostwriting fee is a night off from under the red light at the street corner. So it should cost you about 23 cents and some personal lubricant.

Wed Dec 06, 05:15:00 pm

 
Blogger jamwall mused...

i once had a titillating sexual "tryst" with a madame heffermeister as she pulled my tightie-whities over my head and made "william shatnerlove" with my nards.

oh, happy days.

Thu Dec 07, 12:21:00 am

 
Blogger jamwall mused...

now i'm all randy, or larry, whatever they call it when your all "wee-wee-all-the-way-home."

where's that moderately priced mexi-midget?

Thu Dec 07, 12:22:00 am

 
Blogger ticharu mused...

I love off styles of writing. Have you ever read The Compass Stone?

Thu Dec 07, 04:45:00 am

 
Blogger Brookelina mused...

It takes a lot to make me feel icky about sex. Well done.

Thu Dec 07, 09:53:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Cowbell dude, "william shatnerlove" is potentially the worst adverb I have ever heard. As such, you are banned from all content with the Moderately Priced Mexi-Midget for a week. Do not collect $200 dollars, do not pass go.

Thu Dec 07, 10:59:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey Tich, Surely there's a difference between 'off writing' and 'bad writing'. Surely! Please, tell me there is.

I can't say I have read that book. Any good?

Thu Dec 07, 11:01:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Brooke, Well Done? I promise, I did nothing. Nothing I tell you.

Just because Thomas Pynchon is a psuedonym of mine means nothing... gawd, I think I just wretched, I can't even pretend to endorse this rubbish. It is truly horrific writing.

Thu Dec 07, 11:05:00 am

 
Blogger L>T mused...

I was making reference to this "Here, Mouffie, nice big dog bone for you right here, lookit this, yeah, seen many of these lately? come on, smells good don't it, mmm, yum!" and so forth, it was the mmm, yum!" and so forth" that cracked me up ;]

Thu Dec 07, 12:00:00 pm

 
Blogger ticharu mused...

The bad writers of today are the superstars of tomorrow!

I was impressed by the book a whole lot, but then I'm a bit of a pleeb, I mostly like older writers, you know, people who've been dead for a while...

Thu Dec 07, 12:03:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

L>t! Crikey, I didn't write that! Believe it or not that's actually a exerpt from Thomas Pynchon's published novel 'Against the Day'. Although it is pretty funny in a 'WTF' sort of way.

Thu Dec 07, 01:55:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

I agree Tich, dead writers are often the best. Obviously if we're still talking about them after they're dead there's something to their writing. I doubt very much any of the writers who are quoted in this post are going to be remembered long after their death. Unless they win the Bad Sex Award, and then who'd want to be remembered as having written the worst sex scene in a novel for a particular year? Yeah, maybe me...

Thu Dec 07, 01:59:00 pm

 
Blogger Monkey mused...

These are hilarious. I like the first one best. Good Lord.

Steve Almond, a respected writer around these parts who wrote for Nerve used to bemoan the "insert tab A into slot B" kind of sex writing. He had some amusing things to say about it.

Now... I must leave you to torture my Moomintroll.

Fri Dec 08, 06:40:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Monkey! Glad to have you back with us in the land of the non-diseased.

I believe Black Swan Green is considered the favourite. I blame it on the Moomintroll.

Fri Dec 08, 09:50:00 am

 
Blogger arthbard mused...

"Tom Yew got on her and sort of jiggled there ..."

Wow, that's kind of ... Ew ...

"I doubt very much any of the writers who are quoted in this post are going to be remembered long after their death."

Actually, though, I'm to understand that Thomas Pynchon is a reasonably well-respected writer. Of course, not having read any Thomas Pynchon, I can neither endorse nor disparage these purported talents. Will the little Mouffie scene go down in history? Time will tell!

Sun Dec 10, 08:37:00 am

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

Arth, dude, seems like ages. Hope everything is cool with you.

That cant be true, surely? Why would a well respected writer publish through Jonathon Cape... Mmmm, maybe he was slumming it.

Mon Dec 11, 02:10:00 pm

 
Anonymous Rich mused...

OK, I've read Gravity's Rainbow, I thought I recognised the name. It was up for a Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

In my humble opinion it deservedly lost it's award. One of the few times they decided to give no award rather than the give it to a book that was little more than a piece of 'Mouffette styled sex' riddled rubbish.

Mind you, better than any book I've ever written.

Mon Dec 11, 02:18:00 pm

 
Blogger Miss Syl mused...

"Croodled?"

And that "[her] mouth made a perfect O" thing? Totally stolen from The Thorn Birds. I still remember that line, ever since I read it as a kid. It seemed just as odd then.

Mon Dec 18, 11:53:00 am

 

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