Bad Sex Award

Ha! I was going to post the other Brian story, and I will, but this is too funny.

When I first encountered the Bad Sex Award, started by Rhoda Koenig (a literary critic) and Auberon Waugh (The Literary Review) 14 years ago to help stamp out redundant sex scenes in fiction, I thought 'how bad can it really be?'. It's bad, both the writing and the sex, but intensely funny if you have a mind like mine. A mind that is as mature and sophisticated as any pubescent teenager I know.

Anyway, here's a few excerpts from this years short-list...

Black Swan Green by David Mitchell (Sceptre)

If Dawn Madden's breasts were a pair of Danishes, Debby Crombie's got two Space Hoppers. Each armed with a gribbly nipple. Tom Yew kissed them in turn and his saliva glistened in the April sun. I know watching was wrong but I couldn't not. Tom Yew slipped off her red panties and stroked the cressy hair there.

'If you want me to stop, Madam Crombie, you have to say now.'

'Oooh, Master Yew,' she croodled, 'don't you dare.'

Tom Yew got on her and sort of jiggled there and she gasped like he was giving her a Chinese burn and wrapped her legs round him, froggily. Now he moved up and down, Man-from Atlantisly. His silver chain jiggled on his neck.

Now her grubby soles met like they were praying.

Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat.

Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll.

Now Tom Yew's body jerkjerked judderily jackknifed and a noise like a ripping cable tore out of him. Once more, like he'd been booted in the balls.

Her fingernails'd sunk salmony welts into his arse.

Debby Crombie's mouth made a perfect O.


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Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs by Irvine Welsh (Cape)

It was uncomfortably hot in Mary's flat, but Skinner took a seat opposite the fat old woman. - Can you help me? He said earnestly.

- What's your problem?

He told her that he believed that he had put a spell on somebody. He wanted to know if this was possible, how he could have done this, and how it could be reversed.

- Oh aye, it's possible. Mary regarded him cannily. - I can help you, but I need payin first, son. Money's nae use tae me at ma age. Her eyes wrinkled. - You're a fine-lookin laddie, she said harshly. - A good cock, son, that's the payment I need!

Skinner looked at her, and shook his head ...

- Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.

As Skinner undressed, the old woman removed her coat and began to struggle out of a series of cardigans, pinafores and vests. Lying on the bed, she looked smaller but still monstrous, wrinkled rolls of flab spilling over the mattress. Foul aromas rose from the putrefying pools of sweat and dead skin trapped within the folds of her flesh. - Thoat ye'd be bigger, Mary pouted as Skinner removed his Calvin Klein briefs.


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Against the Day by Thomas Pynchon (Jonathan Cape)

"Mouffette? She's a papillon ... a sort of French ladies' lapdog."

"A - You say," gears in his mind beginning to crank, " 'lap' - French ... lap-dog?"

Somehow gathering that Ruperta had trained her toy spaniel to provide intimate "French" caresses of the tongue for the pleasure of its mistress.

"Well! you two are ... pretty close then, I guess?"

"I wuv my ickle woofwoof, ess I doo!"

[...]

"Oboy, oboy." He stroked the diminutive spaniel for a while until, with no warning, she jumped off the couch and slowly went into the bedroom, looking back now and then over her shoulder. Reef followed, taking out his penis, breathing heavily through his mouth. "Here, Mouffie, nice big dog bone for you right here, lookit this, yeah, seen many of these lately? come on, smells good don't it, mmm, yum!" and so forth, Mouffette meantime angling her head, edging closer, sniffing with curiosity. "That's right, now, o-o-open up... good girl, good Mouffette now let's just put this - yaahhgghh!"

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It gets quite a bit worse for the ickle woofwoof so I'll leave it there. You can go here to see last years Winner(?) and other equally hilarious ways people have destroyed sex with their writing.

Don't get caught getting jerkjerked judderily jackknifed like a glazed pork over this post...