Changing the subject...

So I was chatting to my Vietnam born Aussie now Dutch friend the other day who is about to return with her hubbie to Oz to have their first child. Exciting! Well, probably exciting. I'm not up to speed on the whole 'seed of my loins' thing, I'm sure it's somehow enjoyable for those who really want to do it... to me they're pretty much 'crazy breeders, Breeeeeders!'. I jest, I'm very happy for them. Breeeeeders!

Anyway, so we're chatting away, 'Blah, Blah, Blah, Ultrasound, Blah, Blah, Blah, Stretch Marks, Blah, Blah, Blah... I'm actually a hell of a lot more interested than this sentence makes out...' and we started talking about drug free birthing and the idea of self hypnosis. The idea's kinda cool and I guess if it doesn't really work she'll have something to keep her drug free self occupied while another living being painfully claws it's way out from her vagina. So, being the good friend I am, the following day I decided to do a web search for 'Self Hypnosis' to try and track down something she could use.

After a good half hour I found something free and thought I'd listen to it before forwarding it on. Good idea! The initial 'relaxing' techniques were OK. Kinda reminds me of a meditation technique used in Tai-Chi except instead of subconsciously training your body to kick-ass you get to have a nice lay down. So I kicked on through to listen to the 'self hypnosis affirmations'. I expected stuff like, 'As you breathe you let go of your pain' or, 'you can kill your husband later for putting his dick in you', or whatever it is pregnant women have difficulty with when giving birth.

But no, after the usual, 'now I'm going to count backwards slowly and when I say "sleep" you will be completely relaxed and open... now sleep, blah, blah, blah 3, 2, 1', I get this, 'you are now completely relaxed, you now realise the world is abundant and you deserve to be wealthy, now amplify that feeling, like a light becoming brighter and brighter, you make the most of your life by making yourself rich, and everyone around is happy to see you rich and successful..." and it goes on like that for another 5 minutes before getting to anything to do with birthing. I mean, Bleed'n Hell, I know child rearing is expensive but that's just creepy! Especially with the low soothing voice and new-age tranquil music in the background.

Is it just me or do other people find this really Creeeepy?

On a completely unrelated topic, here's another Gif, just relax and watch the Gif for a couple of minutes...

as I count backwards from five you will feel you legs getting lighter, 5, the weightless sensation is slowly moving up your legs and into your body and head, 4, your eye lids are now becoming heavier and you are completely relaxed, 3, your breathing is becoming deeper, 2, you can no longer feel your body and you are free from the restraints from the world, 1, and sleep... NOW INVEST IN MY FILMS, SEND ME YOUR MONEY, ALL OF IT, NO, EVEN BETTER, QUACK LIKE A DUCK, HAHAHAHA, QUACK YOU BASTARDS, QUACK!!!!!

I guess it's good to look at the motivations of anything or anybody that is attempting to tap into your subconscious.

Take: 43

Blogger jamwall mused...


Thu Apr 19, 01:09:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Did you say Lincoln?

Thu Apr 19, 01:19:00 pm

Blogger L>T mused...

That's not a Gif you trickster... it's just Jpg, nothing's really moving in that picture...

Child birth is nothing to quack about you know. Have you ever left a hotdog in the microwave, too long? That's what it would feel like to you, bucko...
Ha! don't you forget it!

Thu Apr 19, 02:35:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Damn, busted! It is a Jpg... I could make it a Gif in a jiffy. Nah, can't be bothered.

Oh L>t, what on earth? This isn't about whether child birth is painful or not (and no, I don't eat hotdogs let alone heat them in a microwave... *barf* they're made of Raccoon testicles or something aren't they?). I fully concede that child birth is painful. Which is why I was looking for self hypnosis stuff for my friend who's having a drug free birth. The point is, why the hell would they include spooky money-focussed crap like that on a child birth self hypnosis tape?

Thu Apr 19, 02:45:00 pm

Blogger Monkey mused...




Excuse me... my human wishes to interrupt. Damn her impertinent hide.

- that "relaxation tape" sounds bizarre. Maybe someone got confused and put the wrong tape in the wrong section?

I could go on about this for DAYS, but I won't. I will say that I did drug free with the Beckster. And we did a TUB birth, which meant labor in the Jacuzzi and then moved to the "tub you can poop in".

Why are you wincing? Squeamish?

Anyway... it was drug free and it was AWESOME! What helped too was having a midwife and a doula who were totally keyed in to me and kept me going at the end, when I was thinking... maybe this wasn't such a good... oh my! IDEA!

Excuse me for the babble.

Tell your friend from me that it is AMAZING if she can do it. Your body just produces these outrageous happy chemicals in your brain. I was high for 3 days.

OK... I'm giving the keyboard back to Monkey. He's slightly disgusted.

Monkey's Toothache Addled Human

Thu Apr 19, 03:16:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Monkey ...aaaand you're awake. Hahaha, I had you quacking like a duck, like a duck I say! Hahaha, You should see the video. You were sooo doing the little wing moves as well. That was so funny! I... errrr... I'm making a fool of myself...

Yeah, the tape is really weird. I think it's just a collection of affirmations you could use for different purposes, but I found it somewhat disturbing to find that sort of material in amongst 'birthing' affirmations.

I think she's quite serious about the natural birth thing and will definitely do it, but she's also has those nagging doubts of any new mother. I think the self hypnosis is just a way for her to feel as though she's done some preparation towards the event.

Wow, they have a bath you can poop in? I never would have guessed. How do I get one installed in my house... 'Anyone for a Jacuzzi, here, check this out!' *everyone runs screaming* Hehehe... poop!

You can babble here anytime :) I don't blame Monkey really, all us boys are a little lost when it comes to this type of thing.

Toothache? Bugger! I'm guessing it's not as painful as a drug free birth though.

Thu Apr 19, 03:35:00 pm

Blogger mizfit mused...

First of all, just coz I haven’t been leaving my comments on ur blog for quiet smtime, I underwent the entire circus of signing up with bloggers award to vote for u. phew!

Secondly, did ur friend ever witness childbirth? Quite recently a friend forwarded me a video and I have decided to adopt kids (if I begin to like them at some point). I cannot and WILL NOT have a kid coming out of my…er…peepee.

Thirdly, how wud u like me to send all my money? Wud bills of 10’s n 20’s do? O holy Hypnotic quack master?

Thu Apr 19, 05:41:00 pm

Blogger Monkey mused...

Quack. I'm still quacking. Dammit.

My human acknowledges that the toothache is a mere trifle, piffle, if you will compared to natural childbirth.

See you from Florida! (I'll be checking in from Nana's computer.) I'm so EXCITED! I get to see Cousin Elder and Cousin Younger, who I love more than... ahem... who I love just as much as the Boy.


Thu Apr 19, 10:18:00 pm

Blogger JLee mused...

I woke up and suddenly my checkbook was in my hand...what the?

at least I'm relaxed

Thu Apr 19, 11:07:00 pm

Blogger jin mused...

NOTHING that size is ever coming out of my cunt!

...and that's all I have to say about that!

Fri Apr 20, 12:13:00 am

Blogger Ticharu mused...

I only JUST put up Hair My O Knee, but I'm glad you enjoyed it! I did a bunch of little vids today, so I'll be putting a few up over the next week.
As for the idea of breeding... I could be hired out for a free dinner!
And as for being hypnotised, it just doesn't work on me... where should I send the check???

Fri Apr 20, 09:16:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey Mizfit, it has been a while hasn't it! I'm just as guilty for not commenting on your blog, though it is awfully sweet of you to vote for me :)

I have no idea if my friend has witnessed childbirth, I think it's a little late for her to change her mind though. For the first time in her life, She's huge! At least she's happy bust size ;)

The only way I want 10's and 20's is shoved into my g-string at a 'live' dance. Hahaha!

Fri Apr 20, 10:21:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Monkey, look into my eyes, not around my eyes but into my eyes, you're a Monkey, a Monkey, not a duck but a Monkey, you're your old self again, and you'll never quack against your will again, unless you hear the word banana.

Have a great time in Florida with the girls Monkey, I hope your human survives the toothache, they are dastardly things!

Fri Apr 20, 10:26:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Um... sorry JLee, that wasn't really meant to happen. Well, it was, but I know you got smashed in Vegas so you're exempt... this time.

Relaxed is gooooood.

Fri Apr 20, 10:27:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

*thump* Whoa! I just fell of my chair. Way to pull out the C word there Jin. Good to know you feel strongly about your convictions, Mooncar has the same attitude. Luckily.

Fri Apr 20, 10:29:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Tichers, it's definitely worth a listening too (Hint, hint, all you peoples, follow that link for some awesomeness guitar playing). All it need was you dressed up in a bear costume... what?

Ayyye, en fine stock you'd make too me hardy. I'm not sure why you selling your flesh for the price of a meal turned me into a pirate. Eh, whatever works!

Send it to Rural New South Wales... as of yesterday the Murray Darling Basin is now officially OUT OF WATER! It's only 40% of Australia's produce growing area... eeeeeep,Scary!

Fri Apr 20, 10:35:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

If anyone is wondering why a basin being empty is a little scary, it's not an ordinary bathroom basin.

Fri Apr 20, 11:01:00 am

Blogger G3T Films mused...

Huh? That link isn't working... Here

Fri Apr 20, 11:02:00 am

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Rich I was looking at that picture, and it was great! I got so calm!

I almost fell asleep but was jolted awake by an excruciating pain in my abdomen. I let out a scream, and gave birth to a duck!

You need to get more training before if you are going to continue this amature hypnosis.

Fri Apr 20, 11:20:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Immature hypnosis?

Fri Apr 20, 12:30:00 pm

Blogger L>T mused...

Sorry about the hotdog analogy(sorta) I know you mean well. it's a weird reflex some of us women have...If a man brings up childbirth, Make him feeel the pain.
Now that I've acually read your whole post(so sue me)I'm distracted , K?
The Hypnosis thing is weird & creepy & I bet it doesn't work.

All those breathing exercises & stuff, That's only about feeling like you have some control. & when the point comes when none of that even matters anymore, well, it's to late to back out, anyway.

Fri Apr 20, 05:37:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hehehe, don't worry about it L>t. I knew where you were coming from. I just didn't want the comments to get bogged down in the whole, 'You don't know what it's like' thing.

The day I pass an orange out the end of my penis I'm sure I'll know women go through. But until that day, I'll just pass judgment on strange hypnosis tapes. I don't know if hypnosis works but I certainly know that thinking about getting rich while giving birth to your first born isn't going to help at all. :)

Fri Apr 20, 05:53:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Beer time for me!


Fri Apr 20, 05:53:00 pm

Blogger JLee mused...

Have a fun weekend!

Sat Apr 21, 05:32:00 am

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

You misunderstood the purpose of the money messages, they aren't for the mother, they are for the child.

The mothers use the hypnotism tape instead of painkillers so they will have rich children and can guilt them into spending money on them since they were drug free.

Sat Apr 21, 10:43:00 am

Blogger mizfit mused...

mister i came out of my hypnotic trance when u scared me with ur g-string dance.

thank god!

Sat Apr 21, 08:12:00 pm

Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

I looked at your jpg, I stroked my screen. I awoke on the third floor of Rochester Hills General Hospital with an IV tube and three orderlies attempting to wrest a crumpled copy of Ann Coulter's "Traitors" from my right hand.
I don't know what you did to me, Rich, but you're frickin' gonna get it!

BTW: Loosely related old post Audio Meditation Resource

Sun Apr 22, 10:22:00 pm

Blogger jamwall mused...

whenever i look at that, i piss my pants and forget my name for an hour.

Mon Apr 23, 12:16:00 pm

Blogger Dino aka Katy mused...

I am dizzy now - PS halfway to Australia - got into the top 8 packing my bags for Miami right now, will know by Sunday if I come over for that beer or not.

Tue Apr 24, 12:40:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Obviously I had too much fun. I haven't been answering comments on my blog.

Tue Apr 24, 02:23:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Diana, you're like an evil genius or something!

Tue Apr 24, 02:24:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

You think that scared you! Well Mizfit, don't open the envelope I sent you. It's a DVD in slow-motion replay.

Tue Apr 24, 02:25:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I remember that old post SafeT! How could you bring that up at a time like this, hmmmm? That was the post you COMPLETELY ignored my comment... or so I realised after re-reading the comments. Obviously there are some freaks out there who really believe in this hypnotism thing. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU SAFET!

Oh, and it should have been a copy of Anne Rice's Dracula in your left hand!

This stuff doesn't work, I give up.

Tue Apr 24, 02:28:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Cowbell has the same effect on me Jammers! Nah, who am I kidding, it makes me touch myself in ever more sensual ways... until I have to smash you over the back of the head and pee on you. Sorry. You're name is Jamwall, I need help, it's an illness...

Tue Apr 24, 02:30:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Katy! That's absolutely FANTASTIC, I'm really looking forward to a beer! errmmm, I mean, I really hope you win.

Tue Apr 24, 02:32:00 pm

Blogger SafeTinspector mused...

No, Rich, ITS ALL FOR YOU!!!

Wed Apr 25, 04:15:00 am

Blogger Wendy mused...

weird. what the hell does self hynosis for childbirth have to do with giving you money for films? Who should I make this check to?...ow, my vagina hurts.

Thu Apr 26, 04:58:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...


Thu Apr 26, 10:04:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Wendy! *mwah* lovely to see you :)

I'm not completely sure of the correlation but it sounds good to me! Every person who has a child should have to pay a 'Rich wants to make a film' tax. I don't know why, stop asking silly questions and just send me the money.

Can I rub it better? Ha!

Thu Apr 26, 10:07:00 am

Blogger Monkey mused...


Thu Apr 26, 11:21:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...


Thu Apr 26, 12:44:00 pm

Blogger Monkey mused...

Baaaaa! Baaaaa!

Fri Apr 27, 02:07:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Oink Oink Oink!

Fri Apr 27, 08:47:00 am


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