Shoots for the Record

Martin Bryant faces off with unknown aspirant

HOBART, Tasmania (G3tN3ws International)-- Martin John Bryant is reportedly nervous this morning upon hearing the news that his world renowned achievements are under threat. 40 year old Bryant, competing against other first world nations, has been at the top since 1996 and was surprised that an unknown challenger could come so close to toppling his long standing record.

"For total people injured I think I got him beat," gloats Bryant from his isolation cell in Risdon Prison "but there's no count back on this type of thing. With a lot of people still in Virginia hospitals the body count could go right down to the wire."

Currently serving 35 life sentences for the 1996 Port Arthur Massacre in which 35 people were killed and a further 37 others injured, Bryant is concerned that although the United States is a lot more proactive in their protection of civil rights the record attempt earlier today is likely to inflame the debate over gun laws. After Bryant's 1996 record the Australian Government banned all automatic and semi-automatic weapons in an attempt to curb further large scale violence.

"I just want the citizens of America to remember," muses Bryant "that although guns do kill people, it takes an A-grade psychopath using high-powered automated guns to really kill a lot of people. I mean, it would be nice to know that Australia could still compete on an international stage with countries like America, but we can't. At least not until they give us access to military grade weapons or some shit like that. You know, with lots of bullets flying around, blood, oh yeah lots of gushing blood, and the screams, oh man I loved those, I still hear them every night in my dreams. When will the Australian government realise that the Americans are bound to overturn my record eventually unless they SET ME FREE WITH AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON."

Byrant, now sedated, will have to wait to see the real toll of todays events and whether or not his 11 year old record will fall to an American with bigger and better guns.

Take: 56

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

On the airplane today I heard someone use today's events as a reason to NOT HAVE gun control. Nice.

Tue Apr 17, 12:23:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

But don't you see Diana, if everyone at Virginia Tech had a gun they would have been able to kill this guy before he killed anyone else... of course, the cross fire would have been a bitch...

Tue Apr 17, 12:42:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

I can just see it. Everybody pulls out their guns, and no-one knows who is holding who hostage!

We had our gun control in our city loosened a few years ago and oon after my ex-boyfriend witnessed a bouncer getting shot. The shooter had a permit to carry the gun.

Tue Apr 17, 12:50:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

It doesn't matter who is holding who hostage, everyone should be shot, no more multiple victim public shootings. Problem solved.

Did he have a permit to shoot the bouncer... cause that could come in handy.

Tue Apr 17, 12:57:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Thats why we need gun control, because all of the most hated people will be shot, like say, the flight attendant?

Tue Apr 17, 01:01:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Surely, no-one would ever shoot a flight attendant! All the flightys I know are lovely. Lovely I tell you!

Tue Apr 17, 01:09:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Maybe I should say all the most hated people will be shot... by the flight attendant!

Tue Apr 17, 01:21:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I can see it!

PASSENGER: I want more peanuts, gimme peanuts, more peanuts, I WANT PEANUTS, DID YOU HEAR ME, PEEEEEEANUTS!

DIANA: Excuse me Sir, *Diana pulls out .45, shoots out window, calmly puts oxygen mask on elderly gentleman while watching the peanut passenger get sucked out* Any of you other Mutherfuckers want some PEANUTS?


DIANA: Thought so!

Tue Apr 17, 01:26:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Rich! That would be very unprofessional!

I would smile sweetly and say "Would anyone else care for extra peanuts?" while cocking the gun.

Tue Apr 17, 01:31:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

My bad! You can tell I don't have much of a customer focused role.

But I think the crux of the conversation is that, yes, in some professions, like flight attendants, there is a definite need for high powered weapons.

Tue Apr 17, 01:35:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

I say the opposite. When we have a delay because we need info from dispach, and a passenger taps his watch and says "Some of us have connections to make, so why are you making us miss them?" I am glad I don't have a gun!

Tue Apr 17, 01:55:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

But in I.T. I think guns should be mandatory.

Tue Apr 17, 01:57:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I don't know, what if you had, say, a bazooka? You could blow his arm off and say, 'Why? What time is it?'.

Tue Apr 17, 02:00:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Nah, we don't need guns. Disconnecting someone from the Internet and then going to lunch is MUCH more painful.

Tue Apr 17, 02:01:00 pm

Blogger Monkey mused...

Oh my God. We've been without power all day today, and I didn't hear one word of this. How awful, awful, awful.

I don't know what to say.

I read a book of True Crime stories from Australia once, which detailed the Bryant shooting and it was absolutely the most horrifying thing I have ever read.

I just can't believe this.

Tue Apr 17, 02:06:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Um... oops... would you believe the post was all made up... um... yes... quick, turn your power back off!

Tue Apr 17, 02:12:00 pm

Blogger Monkey mused...

Too late... after I read your post I darted over to CNN and MSNBC, thereby confirming that rag of a paper, The New York Times.

I want my isolated little bubble back! Oh innocence!

This really sucks. I hate this country sometimes. (Well... most of the times, afer all, Maine has been trying to join Canada for years... but I digress.)

Tue Apr 17, 02:15:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Sorry for my insensitivity. Rich was making a joke about gun control, and I turned it into this.

You know what is really gross about this tragedy. I am really desensitized. There is so much violence on TV and movies that this doesn't shock me the way I wish it would.

Tue Apr 17, 02:16:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Ummm... would you believe it's a conspiracy and ALL the major media outlets are involved... no? me either!

Well, I guess CNN are pretty good at keeping up to date details rolling through...

CNN Studio: We're crossing live to Virginia with some breaking news

CNN Reporter: Thanks Studio, yes that right, the latest breaking news here from Virginia. I just saw a pigeon fly down from the sky and land near the building where the shootings took place. Here's footage...

Sorry to ruin your otherwise enjoyable day there Monkey, but as the post points out, I think Aussies have an understanding of how these type of events effect a nation. They're not good, but they're also not confined to one country or another. It's just crappy people being real crappy as per usual.

Tue Apr 17, 02:41:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Insensitivity? What are you talking about Diana?

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a look at gun control issues without making it a woe-to-the-world-chat. Won't change anything in the end.

I actually don't have a big issue with semi-automatic guns for rural use, feral animals are a real issue down here and they're a great tool to keep populations down, but no-one in a city should be allowed anywhere near the dang things. There's no need to have a weapon in an urban environment which is designed to kill people.

Tue Apr 17, 02:47:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Well Rich I think you need to apologize for YOUR insensitivity!

To disconnect someones internet and go to lunch is just barbaric!

Tue Apr 17, 03:10:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

And you wouldn't shoot a cutey Kangaroo would you?

Tue Apr 17, 03:11:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I know, the power, THE POWER!

Well, that depends Diana, firstly, Kangaroos aren't endangered and never will be... they're prolific! If they're in prolific numbers on a commercial property, then Yes. I wouldn't have any problems shooting a cutey Kangaroo. A cull is about balance, and if you allow numbers to get out of control then they over graze and you end up with a farmer with no crops and a huge amount of starving kangaroos.

The issue for me is what you shoot them with. After the 1996 ban on semi-automatic weapons it turned a cull from a half day job into a 3 day job. Good for my hip pocket but not good for the farmers.

I think there should be appropriate licenses for those types of guns given the right circumstances.

I should point out that as I now live in the city, I see absolutely no reason to own a gun of any sort and would suggest that anyone in a similar circumstance to get rid of theirs. What possible reason do they have to own one? None. And they're far too dangerous to leave lying around.

Tue Apr 17, 03:23:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

I agree with the points you are making, and I believe in culling and everything but how could you kill THIS??????

Tue Apr 17, 03:35:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Well, that's not a Kangaroo!

That's a PARMA WALLABY, you don't go around shooting wallabies! Poor little sweet-heart, they're so lovely. I stayed at a cabin up in the blue mountains where they feed right outside the front door. Too cute.

This is a Kangaroo. They're big and scary looking. Although, I'd never shoot a kangaroo for fun, sometimes it's a necessary job on farms.

Tue Apr 17, 03:43:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

That picture is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I wish you could hear the sound that came out of my mouth!

I wish I could see pics of Rich as the farmboy, clearing brush and shootin' 'roos in his alligator skin cowboy hat

If you ever visit the states, please bring one of those cutie wallabies. A live one preferably.

Tue Apr 17, 03:54:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I did send Squid one of these, yup, that's a Kangaroo Scrotum Purse!

Oh yeah, I was real sexy... Oh, and the hat's an Akubra, which is made from cute little bunnies... we're all class!

Tue Apr 17, 04:01:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

If squid gets a kangaroo scrotum purse then the least you can do is give me a bunny scrotum coin-purse. My birthday IS coming up

Tue Apr 17, 04:09:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Is it? Well blow me down! I guess I could get you bunny hat... um... I mean a rough and tough true blue Aussie drovers hat, the Akubra!

Tue Apr 17, 04:15:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Noooooooooo. Please don't kill any bunnies. A scrotum purse can be made without any cruelty, just use enough anesthesia.

Tue Apr 17, 04:18:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I don't think you understand... everything in Oz requires the death of something else. That's why we're so tough. Like for lunch today, I had a salad sandwich... I had to kill a homeless guy to prove I deserved it! I know, it sounds terrible, but within cultural context it makes perfect sense.

Tue Apr 17, 04:25:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Well as long as you didn't use a semi-automatic thats fine. Those are banned you know.

Tue Apr 17, 04:36:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Ha ha! Which brings us neatly back to topic... *cheshire grin* what a ironically inappropriate comment stream... ha!

Yeah, it's a tough question the ol' gun laws thing. I really don't see how a community can let a young guy (I assume he's young) get access to weapons like that if it doesn't relate to any sort of job. I can understand how the military, cops and civilians with legitimate use need them to do their work but obviously the wider community should think seriously about limiting access to anything that semi-automatic whether it's rifles, hang-guns or bazookas...

Tue Apr 17, 04:46:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

In the US we have an amendment to our constitution that says we can have arms to build a milita against our government. I always thought that was sort of creepy and David Koresh-y until George Bush appeared on the scene, making all these 1984 laws. Suddenly building a militia against your government doesn't seem like such a bad idea!

You do realize I could be arrested for saying that, right? (probably)

Tue Apr 17, 04:55:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

We have a WHOLE BUNCH of people opposed to gun control here...thats why I brought up the "second amendment" thing.

And if you are a "law and order" kind of person, like you want to have a gun to protect your family, why exactly do you need a machine gun?

Tue Apr 17, 05:00:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Yeah, we have laws that say it's illegal to say things like, 'our government are a bunch of morally dubious criminals'.

I think the thing that Americans forget is that if your government really did get out of control and you had to bear arms against them then you'd find that guns would become available through whatever resistance movement there was to fight them. Just like they did before your government enacted the second amendment.

The idea that you need to stock pile machine guns, 'Just in case'. Is really going way too extreme. If you want home security, buy a tazer! It can imbolise an attacker, and the attacker can't take it off you and kill you with it, which is what usually happens. Unfortunately people aren't always sensible.

Tue Apr 17, 05:11:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

You make excellent points.

Protect your family with a tazer. that way, when your child plays with the weapon in the nightstand they will only be shocked, not killed.

And when I say shocked, I don't mean because they saw that other item in the nightstand drawer

Tue Apr 17, 05:24:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hehehe! Yes, well, that's a whole different type of weapon!

Is home invasion really such prominent crime in the States? It's not here. I think it's cause most of us are too busy down the pub booz'n it up :)

Tue Apr 17, 05:35:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

I'm heading home... have a good night, as always, lovely chatting to you Miss Diana

Tue Apr 17, 05:41:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

I don't know if it is or if it isn't. I't probably is, but statistics show more people die from guns in the home than are protected from home invasions.

Maybe that should be a new crime bill... "Build more bars, instead of putting people behind bars"

George Bush and Ted Kennedy could bind together to support it!

Tue Apr 17, 05:41:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Bring your gun so no-one steals your Akubra!

Tue Apr 17, 05:43:00 pm

Blogger JLee mused...

That was some horrible news to come home to. Damn psychopaths.

Wed Apr 18, 12:34:00 am

Blogger Monkey mused...

I stumbled in here last night at some obscene hour and I confess... I didn't read the comments above my head. Shame on me!

I also confess that I chuckled out loud at this:

"I don't know, what if you had, say, a bazooka? You could blow his arm off and say, 'Why? What time is it?'."

Another day without power.

No Power.

No Shower.

Hour after Hour.

I'm beat. Goodnight all. Hugs to you Rich and to you Diana. I snuggle both of your armpits.

Wed Apr 18, 10:53:00 am

Blogger jin mused...

*jins head is abuzz trying to scroll the comment section*


Hi Rich.
Bye Rich.

A Real Tart

Wed Apr 18, 09:56:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey JLee!

Hope you had a good weekend though. I'm sure I get to read more about it as I make the blog rounds.

Thu Apr 19, 09:09:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Comments are usually the best part of my blog... although on this occasion I'm sure you'd be excused for not pay any heed to the comment stream.

Oh, and...

I often go hours and hours without showers

In water humans become wrinkly prunes

And although it empowers our bodies with the smell of flowers

it's the reason we don't live in lagoons

Thu Apr 19, 09:19:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey Jinners!

Yeah, I'm sure there's more than a few people who feel the same way... *shrugs* whatchagunnado?


A Smart Arse!

Thu Apr 19, 09:21:00 am

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Rich, sorry, I don't want you to get in the trouble I did on my blog for the "I.M. style banter"

Is it the content or the sheer quantity that people dont know what to make of?

Maybe it's the Kangaroo testicles.

Thu Apr 19, 10:41:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

HA! Diana, it's my blog, I can't get into trouble for commenting on my own blog the way I want too.

I think it was the content of the comments though, or the Kangaroo testicles. I don't think there's anything to worry about. People expect that type of thing of me. They love me anyway :)

Thu Apr 19, 11:39:00 am

Blogger jamwall mused...

damn! the aussies are always beating us!

Thu Apr 19, 01:11:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Well, we'd like too... with sticks!

Thu Apr 19, 01:16:00 pm

Blogger Monkey mused...

I love both of you. No not you Jamwall. I mean Rich and Diana.

I have a toothache that just might kill me.

Monkey's Human

Thu Apr 19, 03:09:00 pm

Blogger jin mused...

Content...not quantity (more IS better...heehee ;-)...and in a good, I can't believe any of them said that kind of way.

Did that make sense???

Fri Apr 20, 12:08:00 am

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Jin, I think you meant we disturbed you and you liked it. I hope thats what you meant :)

I hope the toothache has not killed you Monkey's human!

Fri Apr 20, 11:24:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Diana and I have a long standing history of 'destroying' comment sections with drivelling comments of a most fantastically ridiculous nature. Much of it is just practicing the ability, that children and writers have in abundance, to cross that line between reality and imagination and enjoy it thoroughly for as long as we can... usually until we, like children, are told to go to bed. :)

I've destroyed Diana's comments section so many times that it's made other people so outraged with jealousy she's had to turn the comments off. hehehe. Sorry Diana. Ha! No I'm not, Sucker!

Fri Apr 20, 11:15:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Imagination? Nothing I have said has been imagination Rich, in my head it's all reality. I really was in love with my espresso maker.

Thats a really poetic way to describe our "banter" :)

Wed Apr 25, 05:56:00 am


Post a Comment

<< Home