I'm Scared. Hold Me!

I receive a lot of innoxious mail; Buy my printer, Want cheaper consumables, Look at our specials... you may as well send me a piece of paper with 'Please Recycle' printed all over it. If I want to buy equipment or change a (well thought through) procurement arrangement then I'll research it and your stupid hey-look-I-killed-another-forest piece of paper isn't going to effect my decision whatsoever.

But the other day I got this:

Crikey, Yes I am! Is some kindly terrorist organisation letting me know about an imminent attack? Is some kind of Godzilla-type monster about to erupt from beneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge and kill us all? Is the Council letting us know about a Harbour Bridge rock concert complete with pyrotechnics show? I have to know! With trepidacious fingers, I know, even my fingers were afraid at the thought of an over-rated Rock Trio unleashed on the RED ZONE, I turned the card over...

[I have removed contact details and names in case police are investigating the
picture of the scary looking women who has obviously smashed her child's head into a window]

Oh. My. God. In a state of small-yipping-dog-like-panic I quickly ran about the office to see if any of our windows might cause unimaginable human casualties. And let me tell you, none, I repeat, none of our windows had the necessary protection. Aghast, I fired off an email as soon as I could calm myself enough to consider sitting still;

-----Original Message-----
From: Rich
Sent: Wednesday, 25 April 2007 7:20 PM
To: ['Your Going To Explode Any Second' Glass Suppliers]
Subject: Oh God, HELP!

Dear [Fear Mongers]

I am in the Red Zone and was certainly part of the many who were completely unaware that "Glass becomes like flying razor blades" in the event of an out of control suicide bomber.

Firstly, I would like thank you for your timely warning for had you not so unselfishly shared this information with our office we may have remained ignorant of these troubling bomb detonation statistics. I'm sure we all agree that ignorance in whatever form should not be tolerated.

Secondly, our internal procedures call for this type of capital works to be placed to tender, with a minimum of three respondee's, and as you can imagine the tender process takes a while to put in place, to have tenders ratified, and for work to be completed. So if you could let us know when the attack might take place and if it is before you can install the Safety Window Film I will, for staff safety, close the office that day.

I also noted that you supply a free CD. Can you please send the CD and any other information you have on bomb detonation to our office as soon as possible. As some of our staff would prefer not to hear anecdotal stories or see images of people affected by glass shattering ten blocks from an explosion could you include an index with the CD so that I may direct those staff members from the room during the presentation of such material.

I am most anxious for your response.


Rich, etc...

They haven't responded yet, which leaves me feeling most anxious indeed, but I'll be sure to let people know if they do. ARE YOU IN THE RED ZONE?

Take: 29

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

That was really thoughtful of them to warn you of the dangers of unprotected glass during a terrorist attack.

But you know what? I wouldn't be worried about some measely shards of glass if the buildings were developing menacing faces like the one to the left of the bridge!

Thu Apr 26, 01:11:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

You're sooo right Diana! It's a well known Sydney landmark, called Luna Park, which is supposed to be some sort of fun filled fair ground but I now see it for what it is, a terrorist training camp! I mean, it can't be a co-incidence that Terrorists are Lunatics and it's called Luna-Park!

I wonder if the government knows... I'd better give them a call right away.

Thu Apr 26, 01:39:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Maybe if the government could learn the terrorist's secrets they could use their "turn-buildings-into-animate-beings" skills for good and not evil!

Thu Apr 26, 01:50:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

No Diana, nothing good can come from playing god this way with inanimate objects. This is some early government research, and although some say it only 'appears' the building is alive, I say, listen to the music damnit, that building is not only alive it's EVIL. All sentient buildings are EVIL, it's in their nature.

Thu Apr 26, 02:06:00 pm

Blogger Diana Crabtree mused...

Yes, that video is creepy, but you can't jusge an animate building by it's outward appearances.

This bulding may seem scary on the outside, but once you get to know it on the inside you realize it's really nice, and quite artistic to boot!

Thu Apr 26, 03:12:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Rubbish! Don't be fooled, look at it! Whatever it's pretending to be on the inside you know it's just waiting tear down society. LOOK AT IT!

Anyway, this isn't about 'buildings'. This is about getting info on how to survive a bomb blast, didn't you read the card... "Glass becomes like flying razor blades". Eeeeep!

Thu Apr 26, 03:30:00 pm

Blogger jin mused...

I am not currently in the RED ZONE.

However, if I am experiencing PMS it's best for all of you to

(That is what you meant by RED ZONE, right? :-S)


Thu Apr 26, 06:21:00 pm

Blogger JLee mused...

I thought Red Zone was an underarm deoderant...silly me.

Fri Apr 27, 01:18:00 am

Anonymous Anonymous mused...

Better Red than dead.

I'd rather not be in a terrorist attack, but if I was, I'd rather be in the red zone so I could be dead. Then once a year, they'd read my name off a list and blame the president for my death and use me as a political pawn forever.

Fri Apr 27, 06:52:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...



Fri Apr 27, 09:16:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...


I had to google that... old spice... blech! I remember a time when Old Spice seemed to be the only aftershave on the market... maybe that and Brut. I can only thank god that these day when you ask for Brut you get a bottle of Champagne and if you ask for old spice they'll send you to the dodgey South Indian corner store.

Fri Apr 27, 09:20:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Well Squid, I hope that if you're in a terrorist attack you're not one of the 75% of fatalities who die from glass becomes like flying razor blades. I hope you're part of the 1% who's death seems to be cause by unrelated penguin induced injuries. That'd stick it the President! Wait... we don't have a President...

Of course, I feel it's my duty as a friend to tell you the easiest way for you not to die, Safety Window Film. It acts like a barrier between the explosion and the victims. That's it Squid, you should wear Safety Window Film everywhere you go!

Fri Apr 27, 09:31:00 am

Blogger JLee mused...

I don't know, I hear that Old Spice drives the ladies mad...that and an Australian accent. The combo could be deadly!

Fri Apr 27, 09:42:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Yeah Jlee, The Aussie scent drives the wild, Gum leaves and Wombat scat, MMM mmm, delightful!

I can think of a million other things that could drive the ladies mad before I'd resort to Old Spice.

Fri Apr 27, 10:11:00 am

Blogger jin mused...

I prefer my men to smell like me.


Fri Apr 27, 10:14:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

I like your use of the plural, 'men', Jin.

What? Are you collecting? Whatever will your hubbie say?

Fri Apr 27, 10:19:00 am

Blogger Malnurtured Snay mused...

I'll hold you.


Are you cute?

(And, um, a woman?)

Fri Apr 27, 10:32:00 am

Blogger jin mused...


Hubbie tells me:
"Orf the cawk!"
"Quit grabbing me arse!"
"Audrey(jin's mum) your daughter won't keep her hands orf me!"

He insisted I start blogging.
I can be relentless. *shrugs*
If any of you get tired of me you'll have to blame him!!!

That's why I get along so well with 'the guys'. I am one of you (um...well except for THAT!) & my *wife* always has a headache!!!

Fri Apr 27, 10:46:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Hey Malnurtured Snay, Welcome to Get Films.

It's a well held belief that I am totally cute, especially in white stockings, a short plaid skirt, and sheer white collared top that shows off my mid-riff.

Unfortunately no, I'm a man.

Fri Apr 27, 10:59:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

How could we ever get tired of the Jinster? Dunno, but I am, go annoy your husband ;) Kidding!

I'd say your *wife* only has a headache cause you keep such odd hours. I'm sure I'd be a little taken aback if I was roughly roused at 3am with demands for Sexy Time.

I'd struggle through somehow though... Panadol maybe?

Fri Apr 27, 11:04:00 am

Blogger JLee mused...

A dude just totally hit on you, Rich. I take no responsibility for Snay.

Fri Apr 27, 11:20:00 am

Anonymous Rich mused...

Snay's a dude? Damn! And I thought he was a perv!

Fri Apr 27, 11:59:00 am

Blogger L>T mused...

FUCK! I live in a fucking glass fucking house. I'm dead!

You know how long it's been since i went on a "fuck" rampage???

Jesus! I just saw a fucking fruit fly! It's too fucking early in the year for those.

Fri Apr 27, 12:05:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Fuck rampage, errrm, you may want to rephrase that!

Glass House, whew L>t, You're probably lucky that you're not living in the Red Zone! Although, do remember not to throw stones.

Yeah, fuck Fruit Flies! Fuckers!

Fri Apr 27, 12:16:00 pm

Blogger L>T mused...

A true friend would fucking delete all that shit.

Fri Apr 27, 02:44:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

Luckily I'm just a blog acquaintance ;)

What does it matter if you swear?

Fri Apr 27, 03:42:00 pm

Blogger L>T mused...

rich No... well, only if I say something really stupid.


Fri Apr 27, 11:16:00 pm

Anonymous Rich mused...

There's nothing "really stupid" in what you said.

Chill Sister!

Sat Apr 28, 02:24:00 am

Blogger arthbard mused...

Maybe it's just me, but ... That anthropomorphic building bears a startling resemblance to Thomas the Tank Engine. Interesting ... Perhaps he holds secret ties to al-Qaeda ...

"Is some kind of Godzilla-type monster about to erupt from beneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge and kill us all?"

Actually, statistically-speaking, 98% of all Godzilla-related fatalities are caused by books falling from the top shelf. They become like flying ... Thick, flappy razor blades ... Sorry. Teams of advertising copy-editors are still working on the analogy ... But a good set of bookends can save lives.

Oh ... And I was going to let you know that my new cartoon is done and posted, but then I started talking about Thomas the Tank Engine and Godzilla, and one thing led to another, and ... Well, you know how it is.

Sat May 05, 04:14:00 pm


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