A quick picture from my lunch hour...

REALITY OR IMAGINATION?

Does it matter if you can answer,



Have a nice weekend!

I'm Scared. Hold Me!

I receive a lot of innoxious mail; Buy my printer, Want cheaper consumables, Look at our specials... you may as well send me a piece of paper with 'Please Recycle' printed all over it. If I want to buy equipment or change a (well thought through) procurement arrangement then I'll research it and your stupid hey-look-I-killed-another-forest piece of paper isn't going to effect my decision whatsoever.

But the other day I got this:

Crikey, Yes I am! Is some kindly terrorist organisation letting me know about an imminent attack? Is some kind of Godzilla-type monster about to erupt from beneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge and kill us all? Is the Council letting us know about a Harbour Bridge rock concert complete with pyrotechnics show? I have to know! With trepidacious fingers, I know, even my fingers were afraid at the thought of an over-rated Rock Trio unleashed on the RED ZONE, I turned the card over...

[I have removed contact details and names in case police are investigating the
picture of the scary looking women who has obviously smashed her child's head into a window]

Oh. My. God. In a state of small-yipping-dog-like-panic I quickly ran about the office to see if any of our windows might cause unimaginable human casualties. And let me tell you, none, I repeat, none of our windows had the necessary protection. Aghast, I fired off an email as soon as I could calm myself enough to consider sitting still;

-----Original Message-----
From: Rich
Sent: Wednesday, 25 April 2007 7:20 PM
To: ['Your Going To Explode Any Second' Glass Suppliers]
Subject: Oh God, HELP!

Dear [Fear Mongers]

I am in the Red Zone and was certainly part of the many who were completely unaware that "Glass becomes like flying razor blades" in the event of an out of control suicide bomber.

Firstly, I would like thank you for your timely warning for had you not so unselfishly shared this information with our office we may have remained ignorant of these troubling bomb detonation statistics. I'm sure we all agree that ignorance in whatever form should not be tolerated.

Secondly, our internal procedures call for this type of capital works to be placed to tender, with a minimum of three respondee's, and as you can imagine the tender process takes a while to put in place, to have tenders ratified, and for work to be completed. So if you could let us know when the attack might take place and if it is before you can install the Safety Window Film I will, for staff safety, close the office that day.

I also noted that you supply a free CD. Can you please send the CD and any other information you have on bomb detonation to our office as soon as possible. As some of our staff would prefer not to hear anecdotal stories or see images of people affected by glass shattering ten blocks from an explosion could you include an index with the CD so that I may direct those staff members from the room during the presentation of such material.

I am most anxious for your response.

Sincerely

Rich, etc...

They haven't responded yet, which leaves me feeling most anxious indeed, but I'll be sure to let people know if they do. ARE YOU IN THE RED ZONE?

Changing the subject...

So I was chatting to my Vietnam born Aussie now Dutch friend the other day who is about to return with her hubbie to Oz to have their first child. Exciting! Well, probably exciting. I'm not up to speed on the whole 'seed of my loins' thing, I'm sure it's somehow enjoyable for those who really want to do it... to me they're pretty much 'crazy breeders, Breeeeeders!'. I jest, I'm very happy for them. Breeeeeders!

Anyway, so we're chatting away, 'Blah, Blah, Blah, Ultrasound, Blah, Blah, Blah, Stretch Marks, Blah, Blah, Blah... I'm actually a hell of a lot more interested than this sentence makes out...' and we started talking about drug free birthing and the idea of self hypnosis. The idea's kinda cool and I guess if it doesn't really work she'll have something to keep her drug free self occupied while another living being painfully claws it's way out from her vagina. So, being the good friend I am, the following day I decided to do a web search for 'Self Hypnosis' to try and track down something she could use.

After a good half hour I found something free and thought I'd listen to it before forwarding it on. Good idea! The initial 'relaxing' techniques were OK. Kinda reminds me of a meditation technique used in Tai-Chi except instead of subconsciously training your body to kick-ass you get to have a nice lay down. So I kicked on through to listen to the 'self hypnosis affirmations'. I expected stuff like, 'As you breathe you let go of your pain' or, 'you can kill your husband later for putting his dick in you', or whatever it is pregnant women have difficulty with when giving birth.

But no, after the usual, 'now I'm going to count backwards slowly and when I say "sleep" you will be completely relaxed and open... now sleep, blah, blah, blah 3, 2, 1', I get this, 'you are now completely relaxed, you now realise the world is abundant and you deserve to be wealthy, now amplify that feeling, like a light becoming brighter and brighter, you make the most of your life by making yourself rich, and everyone around is happy to see you rich and successful..." and it goes on like that for another 5 minutes before getting to anything to do with birthing. I mean, Bleed'n Hell, I know child rearing is expensive but that's just creepy! Especially with the low soothing voice and new-age tranquil music in the background.

Is it just me or do other people find this really Creeeepy?

On a completely unrelated topic, here's another Gif, just relax and watch the Gif for a couple of minutes...

as I count backwards from five you will feel you legs getting lighter, 5, the weightless sensation is slowly moving up your legs and into your body and head, 4, your eye lids are now becoming heavier and you are completely relaxed, 3, your breathing is becoming deeper, 2, you can no longer feel your body and you are free from the restraints from the world, 1, and sleep... NOW INVEST IN MY FILMS, SEND ME YOUR MONEY, ALL OF IT, NO, EVEN BETTER, QUACK LIKE A DUCK, HAHAHAHA, QUACK YOU BASTARDS, QUACK!!!!!

I guess it's good to look at the motivations of anything or anybody that is attempting to tap into your subconscious.

Shoots for the Record

vs
Martin Bryant faces off with unknown aspirant

HOBART, Tasmania (G3tN3ws International)-- Martin John Bryant is reportedly nervous this morning upon hearing the news that his world renowned achievements are under threat. 40 year old Bryant, competing against other first world nations, has been at the top since 1996 and was surprised that an unknown challenger could come so close to toppling his long standing record.

"For total people injured I think I got him beat," gloats Bryant from his isolation cell in Risdon Prison "but there's no count back on this type of thing. With a lot of people still in Virginia hospitals the body count could go right down to the wire."

Currently serving 35 life sentences for the 1996 Port Arthur Massacre in which 35 people were killed and a further 37 others injured, Bryant is concerned that although the United States is a lot more proactive in their protection of civil rights the record attempt earlier today is likely to inflame the debate over gun laws. After Bryant's 1996 record the Australian Government banned all automatic and semi-automatic weapons in an attempt to curb further large scale violence.

"I just want the citizens of America to remember," muses Bryant "that although guns do kill people, it takes an A-grade psychopath using high-powered automated guns to really kill a lot of people. I mean, it would be nice to know that Australia could still compete on an international stage with countries like America, but we can't. At least not until they give us access to military grade weapons or some shit like that. You know, with lots of bullets flying around, blood, oh yeah lots of gushing blood, and the screams, oh man I loved those, I still hear them every night in my dreams. When will the Australian government realise that the Americans are bound to overturn my record eventually unless they SET ME FREE WITH AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON."

Byrant, now sedated, will have to wait to see the real toll of todays events and whether or not his 11 year old record will fall to an American with bigger and better guns.

I am the BEST of all time!

Well, OK, this is somewhat of an over statement. Or is it?

Yeah OK, it is... top five maybe but not best... Ha! I think they should have another category I could somehow possibly have a chance of winning. Like this;

So you can go vote if you like. I'm off to the dunny, to keep my dream alive!


In other news: See ya Buddy, ta for the good read!

Easter Bunny Caught on Tape

What a wonderful time of year. Easter! Not only is it the anniversary of my blog, where the greater world-wide community was introduced to the wonders of an elegant small cat and a puppy of indistinguishable sexual orientation dancing around the world in search of the Easter Bunny but it is also the time of year that we celebrate our saviour. That's right, CHOCOLATE! Oh wonderous cocoa-bean and your rich, delicate derivatives. In whom we confide and consume. We thank thee for thou most generous bounty. May you live long upon our palate. I commend to you this film. A small token of my chocolatey appreciation. May your servant, the Easter Bunny, find his way to all our homes so that we may enjoy your goodness.



Happy Easter Everyone. Hope you enjoy the show.

I'm not sure I should approve this?

Never trust Matt when he offers you a cameo. And to think, I was excited.

It's all a little blue.

Ahhhh weekend. Where did you go? Weekend? Oi! Weekend, are you listening to me? Oh, of course you're not, personalising questions to days of the week is a foolhardy quest. They may have personalities but it's not like they can sit down and have a conversation with you. Except Tuesday, but let's not talk about Tuesday, that dude is boring. It's true. Nothing has ever, not in the history of the world, occurred on a Tuesday. Cause no-one wants to talk to that boring git.

But the weekend, if it could talk, would be an eloquent speaker, a stalwart expounder of the truth one moment and a prevaricator the next. All to finely weave inexorably enjoyable stories of merriment or woe, wonder or worriment, wankers or waifs, or any combination there within so that we may sit awhile, relax and bask in the simple pleasure that is the weekend.

My weekend, for instance, would tell you a story of... damn... with an intro like I need a good story. Oh well, my weekend wasn't that exciting. I did finally manage to finish setting up my blue-screen studio. Oh Joy!

Not an accurate representation of my studio.
Mine is infinitely better - or possibly the opposite of that statement.

I also built myself a funky stool to go into my studio. It too is blue. So elegant that I find it rather reminiscent of Pablo's blue period. Yes, that beautiful.

Not an accurate representation of my stool. (HA! Stool!)
Mine is infinitely better, yeah, OK, this is true. I built it, how could it not be?

I'll post some real pictures of my setup after I've had my chroma-key drapes ironed. They're too creased to use at the moment. Anyone want to volunteer? It's only 30 square metres (322.8 square feet) of fabric. Oh go ooooon, you know you want to! Fine. Be that way. You and your best friend Tuesday can bugger off and have an 'exciting' talk about indigenous farming techniques of the South American Quispillaccta people instead. I just be here. By myself. Ironing.

Oh yeah, serious-like, everyone had a good weekend? I really enjoyed mine.