Where da hell...

Man, what's going on in this place...

*tumble weed rolls through*

Had to go and look at the statcounter just to make sure this thing was still on. Yup, plenty of hits. Just hardly from anyone I know. I guess no-one's reading so I can call you all turds. Ha! Just jokes.

It appears the only people landing here are searching for the Terry Gilliam film below. It's cancelled people. The ill-luck of Terry G strikes again. Fuggitaboudit!

I also seem to have a lot of searches for Mary Poopings, Bird Genitals, and Sex Feel Live Acting... obviously there are some fairly odd people out there, desperately searching for the type of odd people that used to come here... wherever they've gone.

Oh well, I did find this while trying to find out how my blog fits into the search for Sex Feel Live Acting.

Now THAT's some good Sex Feel Live Acting if ever I saws it!

Peace out! Turds!


The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus

Who would have imagined...

Despite the disturbing piece of crap that was Tideland I was looking forward to this. Mostly because Heath Ledger not only proved he'd actually learnt how to act, somewhere between 2003 and 2005 anyway, but also because he wasn't afraid to pick some of the most interesting and challenging scripts in Hollywood. We have this movie. About two cowboys. They have sex a lot. Interested? Gutsy! and beautifully acted. He'd certainly come a long way from Ten Things I Hate About You, Two Hands, or A Knights Tale. I guess we'll still get to see him as a psychotic, mass-murdering clown later this year. So his last role will be as a crass pop culture icon in grease paint rather than a thoughtful hard-to-play Gilliam induced role. They probably both adequately reflect Heath's career, I wonder which one he'll be remember for...

"There are no rules and there is no rulebook.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to my instincts. "
Heath Ledger

Oh well, we all get it wrong sometimes...


Fast food IS bad for you.

"I was this close to getting my Big Mac."

What a fat idiot. What? Never heard of room service? For 30G I would have flown down to Melbourne, bought him a Big Mac (or ten by the looks of him, I think that's even a serve of fries in his front pocket) and brought it to his room. Hell, I would have even chewed it for him and I hate Maccas.

Oh well, Serves him right! We can't all be that stupid.


Wow, I think I'm going to take this job!

Just got an email through the school for a job with a Sydney based company that needs some filming done at some of their Sex Workshops.

Now, work is work but apparently these people are Sexperts and they're offering advice like this...

Sex Advice, super sex tips, sex sexcrets revealed, sexual energy, Sexpert, Australian Sex Coach, how to have great sex, love toys, Sex Workshops, ideas to spark up the relationships, unleash your sexuality and

Sex Secrets Revealed
50 simple ways to heat her up...
and a few ideas for what to do

Buy her a silk thong - Pass it under the table at a restaurant and ask her to go to the ladies' room and change into it. Now that's a first date I would love to video!

Embrace her until she makes the move to leave - Don't underestimate the heating power of a great hug, especially when she initiates it. Make it clear you don't want the hug to end. I challenge anyone to do this for more than 3 or 4 seconds. That wont be weird at all!

Wear her name - Write her name on your shoulder, your hand, or any place she'll have a chance of spotting it. It's a tattoo without pain--one that gives only pleasure. "It will make her laugh and think you're so adorable," says Davidson. "It says, 'You matter.' " No, it either says, 'I'm an obsessive freak' or it says, 'I can't remember your name'.

Whisper into her ear - In public tell her what you want to do to her later: "Tonight, I'm going to make you have as many orgasms as possible." OK, I just tried that and although my Boss says she's understanding I think macing an employee in response is just going too far... maybe I shouldn't have tried it in the workplace.

Make yourself sick - Leave love notes around the house--in the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, under her pillow. That much sweetness might make you nauseous, but it'll make her feel like a lovesick teenager. You're sick alright! She will be wondering how you got into her apartment. Answer: Through the bathroom window... I know officer, but really, it was only 4 stories up and she DID leave the window open.

Apply her lipstick - Shave her legs, paint her toenails, or brush or wash her hair. And get her to call you Mommy. You really might want to get her permission before trying this stuff. Cause that's... wait, *looks at the next piece of advice*

Make a bedroom burrito - While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket). Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. It's simple, spontaneous, and soft-core. Um... if by 'rolling around in the bedroom' you mean 'struggling with her in the bedroom' you really don't have her permission do you?! That's a felony dude. Leave her alone and seek help!

Go into the closet - Novelty is an aphrodisiac. With unusual settings, with strange sensations, smells, and muffled sounds, will make sex feel new. Confined spaces add urgency. Why do I get the impression the only muffled sounds will be her screams. Although now I understand this type of advice, confined spaces, in the closet? You mean like a car boot don't you! This advice is really for serial killers who are secretly gay and want to torture the opposite sex.

You'd have to be completely clueless to go to these people for sex advice. Wow, could you imagine even combining two or three of these on a date; Hug her and don't let go, ask her to wear a thong and then try to put on her make up. Gosh you'd be totally 'in'. Wait, I'm not sure I'd want to date a girl who'd let me do that...

I guess it could make for an interesting job.


Pink Candies

Now that's really weird. Someone found my blarg by Googling Pink Smokers Lollies. These are the lollies (sweets or candy to the English... apparently a lolly is an ice-block in England. Although I have no idea what an American would call an ice-block... you'd probably call them a popsicle or something weird... bet an ice-block to you would sound like a type of crystal methamphetamine) ... what... what was I saying... oh yeah, These are the lollies I use to quite smoking. And in New Zealand they're actually called Pink Smokers. What's wrong with the name 'Musks' New Zealand? I wonder why anyone would name a sweet after anything to do with smoking? Maybe they're made from ex-smokers. Mmmm, ex-smokers are musky! Actually, that doesn't sound appetising at all. Although these do...

Cause they're just so damn cool. Although I used to get the Stallion brand, now they were a tough brand to pretend to smoke until they were kinda soggy and sticky and then eat. Yep, tough like a regular Marlboro pre-Teen...

Either way, still not smoking. All thanks to little pink... um, Smokers Lollies! Although I have noticed that... stones in shoes, people who sniff on the train, when your partner locks the front door but the back door is wide open while you're home so that to get back inside you have to walk all the way around the house, 'retro' t-shirts, voicemail messages of people hanging up after the beep, white people who think they're black, broken ATMs, slow walkers, slow walkers, slow walkers, did I mention slow walkers, dead batteries, dust, showing off clothing tags, mobile phone ringtones, having to search for the end of the cellotape with your fingernail, oh, and everything ever... IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING WHEN YOU DON'T SMOKE!!!!

Oh, I know it's annoying anyway but when you're a smoker none of those things (except for maybe slow walkers) make you fantasise about buying high powered weapons.


Jus' sum'n I bin werk'n on....

Errr, that title sounds like that annoying Star Warts character... sorry!

But the picture is Purty... although needs some flowers to bring colour into the environment... and the foreground vine needs to have some of the contrast taken out of the green... and apparently, there needs to be some fish playing poker. I just wish I knew what type of fish, everything I've tried that looks OK just aren't fresh-water fish and I'm not about to include fish if it means overlooking that kind of detail.

Anyway, I've actually been re-working the designs of this, in the hope it will be produced one day... soon (in film terms anyway). This environment, the Sprites home, should look better once I've digitally stitched together live-action elements, you know, so the water actually flows and stuff. The Sprites look different now too, much more... less wholly Asian, more reflective of the multi-cultural society 'children's productions'... I mean 'Sprites' live in.

As for the Sprites themselves, they're none too happy about this but seeing as you can't copyright an ancient nature spirit I'm not too worried about using the name 'Sprites'. Although, if I can come up with another name I may just use it... we do have little nature spirits here in Australia that are known to help lost children, it's just a shame that they're name is not as cool as Sprites. Well, OK, it is but it doesn't fit into my theme song. Which is soooo important.

So, what would you call these little critters?

UPDATE: (just so SafeT will quit hassling me about fish!)


Nicotine Cold Turkey

They say bad things come in threes. Well so does quitting cigarettes cold turkey, for me anyway. 3 days, 3 weeks, and 3 months. If you can get past these hurdles then you're well on your way to quitting smoking. Mind you I've done them all before and a couple of years later when you're least expecting it you'll be drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country with people you can't understand and it'll seem like a totally sensible thing to take up smoking again. Being an addict is sooo much fun!

So if you're any type of real smoker, not just the alcohol-fuelled-waste-a-ma
tes- smoke-by-awkwardly-bum-sucking-it-while-thinking-you-look-terribly-sophisticated type of smoker, then the first three days of quitting cigs are going to be a whole world of 'fucked up'.

So here's what you do... oh no, this isn't 'help you quit' tutorial this is a 'conciliatory pat on the back, oh you poor bastard don't put yourself through those three days unless you really want to succeed at not smoking' sort of thing... So here's what you do...

Don't plan a day to quit smoking, screw that, that's seriously way too much pressure, those first 3 days are bad enough without adding days of anticipation to them. Just know you're about too quit and buy your smokes one pack at a time, don't buy another pack until the last one is finished (smoking your last cigarette on the way to get another pack is totally allowed). If you smoke the last of a pack just before you're going to bed for the night, congratulations, you've won the crappiest lottery of all, tomorrow you're giving up cigarettes. Hey, that's what you wanted right?

Now, for the first three days you can expect to spend about 40mins of every hour feeling shit, but at least it's an infinitely variable and often indescribable type of shit. Everything from body aches to complete mental distraction. If you really want to avoid these feelings there's pretty much only three ways to stop them; The easiest, smoke a cigarette; no? Sleep!; You have to be awake? Try shooting yourself in the face with a hand gun. That's about it. Otherwise you'll just have to get used to feeling like crap.

The only other thing to do is eat lollies and/or citrus fruits. For me it's little pink musk lollies or Dutch salted liquorice, distinctive strong flavours. But remember they're not cigarettes, they wont stop you feeling like crap, and you'll look completely gay while shovelling pink sweets into your mouth while feeling sick from all the sugar. But at least it's a distraction. Talking of distraction, limit your social interaction. You'll be no good to anyone. Especially with all your inane stupid comments about how much you really want a smoke. Really, shut up and stay home. And get Drunk!

Oh yes, you absolutely must do this for the first three days. No excuses. The moment you get home in the evening crack open a beer, pour a wine, a snifter of port, or a shot of whatever. Nine hundred and ninety nine times out of a thousand the moment you start drinking you'll have a cigarette. Why put yourself though three days of agony if you're just going to fuck it up with the first beer. No. If you really want to give up cigarettes, you must absolutely do it drunk. If you can't do it drunk you'll be back to smoking in a matter of weeks.

So that's it. 'Enjoy' your first three days nicotine free. After that, you'll be much more 'with it', you may even be presentable in public, and you'll only feel like crap for about 5 minutes out of every hour when you get a craving. They're pretty easy to distract yourself from, have another pink lolly ya gaywad!

That'll last for about 3 weeks. The 3rd week's the killer, there's nothing quite like the low but ever present pain of nicotine being ripped out of your muscle mass by an addicted body, but then you'll be nicotine free. Then you've only got about 3 months of psychological cravings... little events that trigger a craving. Like eating a meal. Most people have a smoke after a meal and for three months you'll probably feel like one after every meal. It's psychological! As in, it's something your brain invented based on your actions and it doesn't really exist except in your head. Really, who wants to give in to a craving that doesn't really exist? If you're that type of person you may as well have shot yourself in the face during the first three days.

After that, you'll actually be a reformed smoker. And then all you've really got to worry about is drinking home made spirits in an Eastern Block country.


Why is that post still there?

Cause I've had a very happy Xmas and New Year.

How about you?